Loving in Flow by Susan K. Perry

The concept of flow has become popular over the last couple of decades. According to social psychologist Susan K. Perry, couples can experience flow in their relationships. She describes how in Loving in Flow.

Couples who experience flow are engaged, often in everyday things. The take pleasure in their relationship and want to keep it going. The lose self-consciousness and develop a sense of “us.”

Flow is not a state you can stay in all of the time. You can learn to fall into flow more easily and stay in it longer. Ordinary couples with ordinary problems can experience more flow.

Perry covers a log of ground in this book. She gives advice dealing with conflict, better communication, a happier sex life, protecting your relationship from an affair and other potential areas of problems or improvements.

Along the way she shares stories of her own marriage and of couples she interviewed. She and her husband overcame things that have broken other marriages and moved on to something much better. You might find something to connect to, even hope, in the experiences of these couples.

Because she covers a lot of ground, I sometime lost the thread of flow. Attention seems to be an important aspect of flow working in a relationship. By focusing on you connection to you partner and the value of your relationship, you can keep other things in perspective. You can see what is going on around you and inside of you that may be a trigger for arguments. You attention to and care for your partner’s feelings will make you more empathetic. Focus on your partner can intensify connection during moments of intimacy, such as when you’re having sex. You magnify what you attend to, so give attention to what is best in your partner and the life you share to enjoy it and to fall in love again and again.

Perry provides a lot of practical advice. Readers will likely find several things they can do. The may also find encouragement in the tales of couples that overcame obstacles and gained a source of great satisfaction.

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs

Perry, Susan K. Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay that Way. Naperville, IL: Sourcebooks Casablanca, 2003.

Good Naked by Joni B. Cole

Writing can be challenging, outstanding writing usually is, but writers don’t have to be miserable. Author, editor and writing instructor Joni B. Cole offers some perspective for writers in Good Naked.

Cole dispels myths of writing. For instance, writers rarely produce perfect first drafts; mediocre writing is okay because it is a place to start. You don’t have to suffer to produce art, but you do have to put in the effort and deal with the difficulties.

Writers need a balanced optimism. Acknowledge the challenges, but believe you can overcome them. Add to it a touch of humility; Cole believes real writers put aside pride and get the help they need to reach their goals, such as joining a writing group.

Cole also runs counter to some popular advice on writing. She doesn’t believe in outlines. Instead, work the parts that are meaningful, that call out to you. You can arrange them and fill in the gaps later as the big picture forms in your mind. It’s easy to imagine her chapters coming together this way, with images, stories, ideas and remembrances being assembled and reworded until they flow together.

Each chapter of the book is an essay. Though the book as a whole has an order and flow, one could read or reread a helpful chapter without needing to flip back to preceding pages to make sense of it.

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

The Big Thing by Phyllis Korkki

Finding Your Writer’s Voice by Thaisa Frank & Dorothy Wall

Just Write by Walter Dean Myers

Keeping a Journal You Love by Sheila Bender

Mastering Fiction Writing by Kit Reed

The Right to Write by Julia Cameron

Shut Up & Write! by Judy Bridges

Write Naked by Jennifer Probst

Write Your Heart Out by Rebecca McClanahan

Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg

Cole, Joni B. Good Naked: Reflections on How to Write More, Write Better and Be Happier. Hanover, NH: University Press of New England, 2017.

The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida

I first glanced through David Deida’s The Way of the Superior Man several years ago. I seemed far out to me. When I saw it recommended in another book (You are a Badass by Jen Sincero), I decided to read it. It’s still far out there.

Deida’s premise is that sexual passion has its source in the attraction of opposite poles, masculine and feminine energies. The book is written as if to a men with strong masculine sexual energy who are attracted to women with strong feminine energy, but he believes that the underlying concept applies to any sex or sexual orientation. The essential polarity is masculine and feminine, not male and female.

Masculine energy is purposeful and giving. Men have gifts for the world and they are only fulfilled when they are giving their gifts wholeheartedly.

Problems arise when men shirk their purpose and put aside sacrifice for the sake of comfort and distraction. If a man allows himself to be diverted, he will have problems in sexual relationships as well as other aspects of life.

Women represent a paradox for men. Feminine energy is focused on relationship, no purpose. However, a woman with strong feminine energy is attracted to a man with strong masculine energy. She wants him to be committed to his purpose as his first priority, but she also wants his devotion and security in the relationship. She will test him in both areas and tempt him to see if he is weak in either.

This may make it seem like women have conflicting desires and spend their days dreaming up ways to drive men crazy. Deida disagrees. What women want is for their men to be all they can be, to be their best selves. A woman can relax with such a man, trust him and allow her own feminine energy to flow.

Deida puts the relationship for successful relationships and satisfying sex on the shoulders of men. If you want it, you have to step up and be the kind of man who can be true to his highest calling and best self even in the face of fear and pain.

Sex is more than an act we perform. It is bound up in who we are, our passion for life and our capacity for  intimacy.

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

No More Christian Nice Guy by Paul Coughlin

The Sacred Romance by John Eldridge with Brian Curtis

Deida, David. The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering Women, Work, and Sexual Desire. 1997. Boulder, CO: Sounds True, 2004.

Rising Tide by James M. Barry

The Mississippi River is powerful. I’ve seen it. I grew up in the northern tip of the river’s delta and now live near one of its major tributaries. John M. Barry’s history of the 1927 flood of the Mississippi, Rising Tide, is only partly about the power of the river. It is more about the power of men, particularly the political power of the men who have tried to exert control over the river.

The first political battle related to the river took place in the 19^th Century. It was a conflict between the nation’s military engineering establishment and their increasingly influential civilian counterparts over who would control Mississippi River policy. The principal actors and figureheads for the two sides were Andrew A. Humphreys, chief of the U.S. Army Corp of Engineers, and James B. Eads, St. Louis-based civil engineer. The Corp largely won this battle, maintaining a controlling voice in river policy, but the resulting agency, the Mississippi River Commission, adopted a theory of practice that neither Humphreys or Eads supported. It would lead to floods on the river becoming increasingly bad.

That conflict doesn’t completely disappear, but it is overtaken by the greater flow of money, politics, society, and race, mostly centered in New Orleans, Mississippi’s Yazoo Valley, and Washington, DC. It is hard to give each player his due in a brief review of Barry’s book. Barry focuses on Leroy Percy, who had great influence on river policy before, during and after the flood. He was a planter in the Mississippi-Yazoo Delta and, briefly, a U.S. Senator from Mississippi. He was also a relative of Walker Percy, one of my favorite authors.

The flood made political careers and had lasting effects. President Calvin Coolidge appointed his Secretary of Commerce, Herbert Hoover, to lead relief efforts after the flood. The publicity and public goodwill that accrued to Hoover during this period helped to usher him into the White House as Coolidge’s successor. Hoover’s lack of follow-through on promises to black leaders created a crack between in the relationship between African-American’s and the Republican Party that led to a serious split.

Huey P. Long also owed some of his success to the flood and its aftermath. New Orleans business leaders promised to provide relief to neighbors who would be flooded by the dynamiting of levees to protect the city. Afterward, these men did everything they could to minimize their liability and did not even pay one-tenth of the cost of damages caused by the flooding. Long rode a wave of resentment against New Orleans aristocrats into the Louisiana governor’s office. Once there, he used his position to strip the New Orleans elite of as much power as he could. As the city elites became more insular and focused on protecting what they had, rather than growing their businesses and community, New Orleans lost its position as the leading city of the South as other more welcoming cities grew.

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

The Big Thirst by Charles Fishman

Blue Revolution by Cynthia Barnett

Canals and Their Architecture by Robert Harris

Elixir by Brian Fagan

Life's Matrix by Philip Ball

Steam by Andrea Sutcliffe

Superman versus the Ku Klux Klan by Rick Bowers

Water by Marq de Villiers

Water by Steven Solomon

When the Rivers Run Dry by Fred Pearce

Barry, James M. Rising Tide: The Great Mississippi Flood of 1927 and How It Changed America. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1997.

New & Interesting Stuff January 26,2018

The Beethoven Factor by Paul Pearsall

Chief Engineer by Erica Wagner

Learn Python 3 the Hard Way by Zed A. Saw

Loving in Flow by Susan K. Perry

New & Interesting Stuff November 24, 2018

The Revenge of Analog by David Sax

Why We Get Fat and What to Do About It by Gary Taubes

Write Naked by Jennifer Probst

Take the Leap by Heather McCloskey Beck

According to Heather McCloskey Beck, you were meant for a unique life of creativity and meaning. Many of us are pushed away from that life for various reasons and become disappointed and dissatisfied. In her book Take the Leap, Beck describes a path for reconnecting to your calling.

The first and last parts of the book are pretty woo-woo (to borrow a term from Jen Sincero). I admit I mostly skimmed these sections and I think other readers can without missing much of the meat of the book. The middle section contains advice and practices for getting back in touch with your calling, the creative meaningful life you’re meant to enjoy.

The key practice is to set aside 15 minutes a day to do something you enjoy—make no exceptions.  Beck suggests some exercises you can do to get some ideas if you feel at a loss for what this might be. I suspect that your first guess doesn’t have to be perfect. Just do it 15 minutes a day for a month, taking time to reflect on it as Beck suggests, and you’ll learn things that help you get closer on the next round.

The book contains several other practices to support your new path. Beck recommends using affirmations to counteract the negative messages you’ve picked up and open yourself to the possibility of a deeply meaningful life. Her book includes several suggestions for meditation. Many of us have too much stuff and do too many things;  we need to reduce the clutter, say no, and set boundaries in our relationships. Good health is important, too.

I was surprised to find that I’m already using some of Beck’s suggestions. I’ve read many self-help books, so I should have learned something.

One of the suggestions I’m just starting to practicing is the intentional reflection on the connection between how I feel and what I do. This also includes reflecting on how I feel when I don’t do things. This is a method for discovering your calling because when you do things associated with your calling it will tend to produce feelings of flow, peace, excitement and passion. When you’re not doing things you love, you miss them. (This type of reflection reminds me of the metacognition discussed by Ulrich Boser in Learn Better, which is important for learning.)

Beck, Heather McCloskey. Take the Leap: Do What You Love 15 Minutes a Day and Create the Life of Your Dreams. San Francisco: Conari Press, 2013.

500 Books Reviewed on Keenan's Book Reviews

500 Books Reviewed on Keenan’s Book Reviews

I’ve posted reviews of 500 books on this blog. Here are links to the 50 most recent posts. Further down are links to more reviews.

First Time Reviews

A Mind for Numbers by Barbara A. Oakley

Anxious for Nothing by Max Lucado

Atomic Habits by James Clear

Become a Better You by Joel Osteen

The Beethoven Factor by Paul Pearsall

 

Bigger than Life by Marilyn Cannaday

Billion Dollar Whale by Tom Wright and Bradley Hope

The Boom by Russell Gold

Bored and Brilliant by Manoush Zomorodi

Chief Engineer by Erica Wagner

 

The Computers of Star Trek by Lois Gresh & Robert Weinberg

Contents Under Pressure by Sylvia F. Munson

Enchantress of Numbers by Jennifer Chiaverini

Essentialism by Greg McKeown

Feeding the Fire by Mark E. Eberhart

 

The Frackers by Gregory Zuckerman

Get Your Sh*t Together by Sarah Knight

The Girls of Atomic City by Denis Kiernan

God’s Equation by Amir Aczel

Good Naked by Joni B. Cole

Happiness is a Choice by Barry Neil Kaufman

 

Haunted Jefferson City by Janice Tremeear

The Instinct to Heal by David Servan-Schreiber

It’s Not Always Depression by Hilary Jacobs Hendel

The Johnstown Flood by David McCollough

Late Bloomers by Rich Karlgaard

Learn Python 3 the Hard Way by Zed A. Shaw

Lift by Daniel Kunitz

 

Living Low Carb by Johnny Bowden

Lost Connections by Hari Johnson

Loving in Flow by Susan K. Perry

Making the American Body by Jonathan Black

The Math Myth and Other STEM Delusions by Andrew Hacker

 

Metering for America by Alfred Leif

Mr. America by Mark Adams

Move Ahead with Possibility Thinking by Robert H. Schuller

Pascal’s Wager by James A. Connor

The Pleasure of Finding Things Out by Richard P. Feynman

Plotting and Writing Suspense Fiction by Patricia Highsmith

 

Range by David Epstein

The Revenge of Analog by David Sax

Scan Artist by Marcia Biederman

Scott Pilgrim's Finest Hour by Bryan Lee O'Malley

Smarter Faster Better by Charles Duhigg

 

Stat-Spotting by Joel Best

Super Attractor by Gabrielle Bernstein

Unimaginable by Jeremiah H. Johnston

Why We Get Fat and What to Do About It by Gary Taubes

Write Naked by Jennifer Probst

You are a Badass Every Day by Jen Sincero

 

Additional and Expanded Reviews

Atomic Habits by James Clear

The Introvert’s Way by Sophia Dembling

 

Continuation of list of 500 books reviewed

First 25 Reviews

Reviews 26-50

Reviews 51-75

Reviews 76-100

Reviews 101-150

Reviews 151-200

Reviews 201-250

Reviews 250-300

Reviews 301-350

Reviews 351-400

Reviews 401-450

Interesting Stuff May 1, 2009

A Little Microlending Goes A Long Way
Aging of Water Mains Is Becoming Hard to Ignore
Biofuel from algae
Corps of Engineers Unleashes FART (An April Fools post, so out of date in that sense, but still funny.)
Dungeons & Dragons Co-Creator Dies At 61
Empire State Building Plans Environmental Retrofit
Interesting Stuff Feb. 25, 2008
The New TV Remote: Your Bare Hand?
Recession slowing water investment to a drip
Say It Ain't So, Bill! USGS Will Use 'Groundwater' as One Word
Secret Message in Lincoln Watch Found
Spelling 'Groundwater' - Historical Note
This is awful: 1,500 farmers commit mass suicide in India
World's Rivers Losing Their Flow

The Dawn of Innovation by Charles R. Morris

Over the course of the 19^th Century, the United States transformed from a frontier nation dependent on trade with former colonizing nations to a leading manufacturer and exporter of goods. Charles R. Morris describes how America accomplished this change in The Dawn of Innovation.

The forces that led to the development of an American system of manufacturing were practical and cultural. There were labor shortages, especially for skilled labor. Americans in every field were interested in mechanizing work to get it done with the people and skills available. Americans were also largely middle class, at least in their way of thinking. They had to have the means to cross the Atlantic, and once here wage pressure and the availability of resources quickly made many people middle class. The middle class valued improvement and economic independence. In the U.S. they were free from the limiting class structures of Europe.

The middle class were also consumers. They were interested in the goods and lifestyle associated with wealth, but at prices they could afford. And there were a lot more of them that the handful of rich people who were the consumers of traditional luxury goods. Americans wanted to produce, market and distribute goods on a mass scale that was hard for Europeans of the time to even imagine.

The cloth-making industry was one of the first to bring together the aspects of modern manufacturing: specialization, organization of work flow, mechanization and automation. American cloth makers took—sometimes stole—these things from the British. A leap that the Americans made, but not the British, was to apply these same concepts to all kinds of production.

The organization of work was especially helpful in the U.S., where the skilled workers needed for precision machine making were few. Morris uses the arms industry as an example of American leadership in the transformation from craft piecework to an organized workflow with uniform standards.

Morris also undertakes some myth busting. Eli Whitney is associated with first rifles—really the first manufactured goods—to have interchangeable parts, which is a hallmark of modern manufacturing. Whitney and others promised interchangeability to win contracts with the Army, but he never achieved it; it took him a while to even become a good gun maker. It took decades of work by others to achieve interchangeable parts. This was both a matter of organizing work and developing more precise machining equipment.

Morris shows how innovations accumulated over time to create American manufacturing leadership. He shows how the culture and natural environment were incubators for such development.

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

The Gentleman Scientists by Tom Schachtman

Mayflower by Nathaniel Philbrick

The Power Makers by Maury Klein

The Society for Useful Knowledge by Jonathan Lyons

Waste and Want by Susan Strasser

Morris, Charles R. The Dawn of Innovation: The First American Industrial Revolution. New York: Public Affairs, 2012.

The Beethoven Factor by Paul Pearsall

Sometimes it seems like we’re all sick and crazy. This may stem from a focus on trying to find and fix what is wrong with us. Psychologist Paul Pearsall referred to this as a pathogenic focus. In his book The Beethoven Factor, he discusses the field of positive psychology, which focuses on what is right with people and what we can learn from those who are well adjusted, happy and healthy. In particular, Pearsall focuses on thriving.

Thriving is growth in the aftermath, and even in the midst of, stressful situations. The people he discusses and learns from in his book, some patients of his and many his fellow patients in a cancer ward, often suffered greatly from disease, war, poverty and other hardships. These people had there ups and downs, but they managed an emotional upward trend.

The heart of thriving is a flexible explanatory style. We’re all telling ourselves stories that interpret and evaluate our lives. People who thrive are adaptive and creative in the stories they tell themselves, which allows them to savor and find meaning in their lives even while suffering.

Thriving can be paradoxical, especially from a pathogenic outlook: someone is becoming stronger in a situation that is expected to make them weaker. Those who thrive can defy the expectations the traditional view of healthy thinking. They work on themselves, which can sometimes make them seem aloof or insensitive. They can be in denial, but they use it to give themselves a temporary escape for pain and time to think. They can be hard to like because of their intensity; when someone is getting the most out of life, they may have little patience for interruptions, naysayers and whiners. They are reflective, which can make them seem withdrawn. They can be depressed, down on themselves and loose hope as they make their journey. Thriving is a process of learning, so it can take a long time, though sometimes someone will catch on quickly.

Pearsall offers a lot of advice on how to thrive, especially in the second half of the book (the first half focuses on introducing positive psychology and defining thriving). This section focuses on four aspects of thriving: hardiness, happiness, healing and hope.

Hardiness comes from our beliefs. Hardy people have beliefs that help them commit to engaging in living, finding a sense of control—which includes knowing when to let go of control—and seeing the difficulties they face and challenges they can cope with if not overcome.

Happiness is rooted in flow. It is focus and engagement in life. Happy people push aside distractions, expectations and striving for things that don’t really bring them joy.

Healing is fundamentally learning. We all suffer to some extent in our lives, and these periods of sickness or other hardship are telling us to slow down and pay attention. Healing people learn to make sense of what happens (in their own ways),  cope with it, and find meaning in their experiences.

Hoping is what Pearsall calls “cautious optimism.” People who hope find a way to hold onto their dreams, or come up with new dreams, without expecting on depending on them. They imagine that the world, imperfect as it is, may be the best possible world, so they get on with seeking all they can enjoy in it.

Pearsall offers his readers a big dose of practical grace. If you’re really finding your own way to cope with adversity in a way the truly engages life as fully as you can, you’re on the path to thriving and it is okay that you may not be the upbeat, outgoing, positive, realistic person that your psychologists, physicians, self-help books and friends think you should be. Living is learning, especially in times of sickness and difficulty; learning is challenging, slow work that requires focus and imagination. If you’re learning, you will struggle and be worn out sometimes. You’ll also be engaged in life in a way that puts you in an uneven, but upward trend, instead of spiraling downward in despair.

Paul Pearsall also wrote

The Last Self-Help Book You'll Ever Need

Toxic Success

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

The Relaxation Response by Herbert Benson with Miriam Z. Klipper

The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck

Solve for Happy by Mo Gawdat

Pearsall, Paul. The Beethoven Factor: The New Positive Psychology of Hardiness, Happiness, Healing, and Hope.  Charlottesville, VA: Hampton Roads, 2003.

Cure by Jo Marchant

Over my lifetime, I’ve observed an increasing interest in the connection between mind and body. It is not a new concept, but it has gained ground and the Cartesian distinction between mind and body has eroded. However, how we are still learning how it works and the extent to which it is effective in the treatment of disease. Geneticist and science writer Jo Marchant explores these issues in Cure.

Marchant considers three areas in which there appears to be mind-body connections that have promise for use in medical settings. First is the placebo effect. Next, she looks at meditation, biofeedback and hypnosis. Finally, she discusses the effects of our viewpoint, especially how increase or reduce stress.

We are equipped with an internal pharmacy that can reduce or aggravate pain, and it can be triggered by something as vague as our expectations. This placebo affect can be as powerful as drugs at reducing pain and some other symptoms of disease, which can make it difficult to test the effectiveness of drugs. Some physicians are starting to change their minds about the placebo effect. Instead of seeing it as a problem that gets in the way of testing drugs, they are seeing it a potential substitute for drugs. The placebo effect has limitations; it can reduce pain and symptoms, but it does not cure the underlying disease or injury. There is also a nocebo effect, which causes pain and fatigue.

Another interesting effect discussed by Marchant is conditioning of the immune system. In some cases, we can prompt the immune system to have a conditioned response; we can train it. After taking a drug, the immune system can reproduce the response to the drug at lower doses. We can strengthen the conditioning by accompanying the drug with strong rituals; repeating the rituals can produce the response to some degree. This holds some promise for improving the effectiveness of drugs and reducing the dose needed to be effective, especially when a drug as serious side effects. I thought this was fascinating.

Our brain is more connected, and in control, of our bodily functions that we previously realized. Meditation, hypnosis and biofeedback can allow people to exercise control over operations of the body that were previously thought to be automatic or even independent of the brain. This includes pain, blood flow, stress response, heart rate variability and vagal tone.

Relationships also have a profound effect on our health. Strong social connections keep us young, and lack of relationships is harmful to our health. Our own compassion for others can reduce stress hormones and inflammation. When physicians, surgeons, nurses and other health care professionals care for their patients as people, those patients receiving the emotional support experience less pain and longer lives.

Marchant shows there is potential for a new way of doing medicine, or room to reintroduce older practices. By slowing down and showing genuine concern for patients, doctors can multiply the effect of their treatment. Teaching people to slow down and pay attention to their bodies, the people they love and the good things in their lives, we can take advantage of the healing capacities of the mind and body. Medicine can be less about dispensing drugs and more about lifestyle and relationship.

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

The Beethoven Factor by Paul Pearsall

Change Your Brain Change Your Body by Daniel G. Amen

Descarte’s Secret Notebook by Amir D. Aczel

Ecclesiastes

The Genius in All of Us by David Shenk

I Can Make You Happy by Paul McKenna

I Can Make You Thin by Paul McKenna

Instant Self-Hypnosis by Forbes Robbins Blair

Job

The Last Self-Help Book You'll Ever Need by Paul Pearsall

Overwhelmed by Brigid Schulte

Psalms

The Relaxation Response by Herbert Benson with Miriam Z. Klipper

The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck

The Solution by Lucinda Bassett

Solve for Happy by Mo Gawdat

Suggestible You by Erik Vance

Switch on Your Brain by Caroline Leaf

Take the Leap by Heather McCloskey Beck

Timeless Healing by Herbert Benson with Marg Stark

Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg

Marchant, Jo. Cure: A Journey into the Science of Mind over Body. New York: Crown, 2016.