The Introvert's Way by Sophia Dembling

Introverts are coming out of their shells, but in their own way. This isn’t to say they are becoming more introverted. Instead they are demand that the traits they bring are valued. We are not simply “not extroverted.”

Blogger Sophia Dembling is part of this wave of outspoken introverts. She writes about living as an introvert in a culture that values extroversion, and how to become more comfortable with it, in The Introvert’s Way.

Personality is a complex subject. Introversion is one of five personality traits that seem to remain consistent over a person’s lifetime.

Actually, extroversion is the trait that is measured. A typical test defines introversion as a lack of extroversion. Dembling calls this into question. She sees introversion as a way of interacting with external and internal stimulus that is different from extroversion. It is not better or worse and it certainly is not an absence of a personality trait.

Dembling is not shy about taking on extroversion bias in psychology and research. For instance, she wrote about research that showed extroverts to be happier. Even introverts who acted extroverted seemed happier. She found that psychologists have a three pronged definition of happiness, but the researchers used only one. The signs of happiness in this prong are practically synonymous with traits of extroversion. No wonder extroverts seemed happier. Introverts are often happy in their own way.

Much of the book is a discussion of the introverted experience. It can be tough to be introverted in a culture that values extroversion (not all do). How do you deal with well-meaning friends who try to get you to have fun when you’re already perfectly contented? How do you manage your energy, especially when things that get others psyched leave you drained?

Dembling offers advice on these issues. Her core advice is to accept your introversion. You are different and that is fine. You can create a space for you to be you. You can teach you friends to respect who you are just as you have respected their extroversion.

Introverts who begin to embrace who they are can seem like angry turtles at first. However, we are not inclined to disturb our peace with resentment; we move on to living a life we like with a little gentle forcefulness.

I previously wrote about this book in another post.

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron

The Irresistible Introvert by Michaela Chung

Quiet by Susan Cain

Dembling, Sophia. The Introvert’s Way: Living a Quiet Life in a Noisy World. New York: Perigee, 2012.

The Irresistible Introvert by Michaela Chung

Introverts can feed out of place, in especially in the United States and other places where extroverted characteristics are celebrated and introverts are often misunderstood. Michaela Chung considers how introverts can make their own way in the word in her book The Irresistible Introvert.

Introverts are not antisocial or shy. We (yes, I’m an introvert) like people. In comparison to extroverts we tend to be more introspective, needful of solitude and quiet and slow. Some introverts are highly sensitive people (I think I fall into this group, too).

Chung doesn’t say there is a right or wrong way, there is a place for both extroverts and introverts and all the blends in between. Her point is that in extroverted cultures introverts need to find ways to be comfortable being themselves.

That is Chung’s theme: introverts should accept themselves. If you are an introvert, embrace your strengths and stop trying to fit into an extroverted mold. Be kind to yourself. Make room in your life for the quite time, solitude and thinking that you need.

Of course, introverts are social beings. We enjoy connecting with others. We like deep conversation and close friends.

For many of us, this area of connection and communication can become a source of discomfort as our style clashes with the prevailing extroverted style. In the latter part of the book, Chung shifts to showing how introverts can find ways to open up, form friendships and communicate in ways that play to their strengths.

Introverts aren’t likely to work the room the way extroverts do. We can, we just find it exhausting. Chung’s advice often touches on this issue of energy. With a little planning, introverts can manage their energy in social situations. Introverts can be spots of calm and warmth in a crowd that attracts others. They can trade awkwardness and tiredness for self-possession and intriguing allure.

Chung draws frequently on the experiences of introverts including herself. Many of these experiences resonated with me. If you’re an introvert you might enjoy the book simply because you can see someone else understands your experience. You might find some of Chung’s advice helpful, too.

I you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

The Emotional Energy Factor by Mira Kirshenbaum

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman 

The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron

The Introvert's Way by Sophia Dembling

Quiet by Susan Cain

Chung, Michaela. The Irresistible Introvert: Harness the Power of Quiet Charisma in a Loud World. New York: Skyhorse Publishing, 2016.

I Am Spock by Leonard Nimoy

Leonard Nimoy is well known for his portrayal of Spock on Star Trek television series and films. As a Vulcan, Spock is of a long-lived species, and his appearance in the 2009 reboot film and its 2013 sequel (Into Darkness) makes him a link between the new adventures and their predecessors. The actor passed away last year (2015).

I Am Spock is Nimoy’s memoir relating to his career as an actor and a director. Of course, Spock and Star Trek play an important role in that career, though Nimoy does not limit his reminiscence to the franchise.

Throughout the book, Nimoy imagines conversations with Spock. As an actor in a series where writers and directors change, he saw himself as a protector of the character (and suggested that other actors take similar attitudes to such characters). This made him passionate about a character known for being dispassionate. At the same time, he had the reasonable fear of being type casted and being unable to get other parts.

Fortunately, Nimoy was able to move on to other things after the three seasons of the original Star Trek series. On series television, he played Paris on Mission Impossible. He also had guest roles on a number of other shows. He also worked on the stage. One gets the impression for the book that Nimoy had relatively few interruptions in his career after bringing Spock to life, though not always with the steady paycheck that comes from being on a series.

Nimoy became interested in directing and tried his hand directing a few episodes of television shows. He got his chance to direct a feature film with Star Trek III: The Search for Spock. This was a success and he was offered the helm of the next film, The Voyage Home. He also had a great success as director of Three Men and a Baby.

As a Trek fan, I’m obviously interested in that part of his career. Even so, I found it almost a relief to break from that and read about Nimoy’s other projects. Though he does not present himself as religious, he seemed particularly to relish projects that provided a connection to his Jewish heritage. Even the distinctive Vulcan salute was taken by Nimoy from a temple ceremony he observed as a child.

The book was published in 1995, so it covers the period up to the sixth Star Trek film, The Undiscovered Country, and his appearance on two episodes of The Next Generation. He gave no hint of imagining that he would reprise the role of Spock 14 years later.

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

The Abolition of Man by C. S. Lewis

Fic by Anne Jamison

The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron

Nimoy, Leonard. I Am Spock. New York: Hachette, 1995.

The Introvert's Way by Sophia Dembling

Blogger Sophia Dembling writes about her life as an introvert. This subject carries over into her book The Introvert’s Way.

Dembling tries to sort out what introversion is. It is not simply the opposite of extroversion, nor is it shyness. It is not antisocial or pathological. Introversion and extroversion are different ways in which the brains of people operate. There is much that is positive in the introverted way, even if western—and particularly American—culture has a preference for traits associated with extroverts.

Admittedly, introverts can come across as aloof, timid, or too intense. Dembling describes how introverts are simply responding to the world in ways that suit our (yes, I’m an introvert) sensitivity to stimuli, energy, and way of thinking. When we withdraw, we’re simply tired or overstimulated, not angry or shy. We can seem intense because we like making deeper connections and we are passionate about our interests. Dembling suggest that introverts can combat misperceptions by first accepting themselves as they are and then gently explaining it to others.

Another thing that introverts tend to do that can drive extrovert up the wall is we think and act slowly. My longsuffering wife has learned to give me plenty of advanced notice when an important decision is needed from me or us as a couple. This may be why introverts shine in e-mail, texting, and social media (some of us old-timers still write letters on occasion). The media allow us to think and respond at our own pace.

Dembling also addresses the misconception that introverts don’t have fun. We do. Sometimes we even have fun at parties or social gatherings, especially with a small group of close friends or family. Introverts generally like quiet, slow-paced activities. Extroverts probably look at us and think we’re not doing anything.

Each chapter is written as a short essay. In addition to dealing with the issues already mentioned, Dembling writes about how she and other introverts deal with things we tend to hate, like parties and small talk. She takes a middle ground somewhere between don’t be bullied by (well-meaning) extorverts and suck it up because these things are part of life. To have the peaceful life introverts want along with the social life they want (and they do want one), they have to strike a balance, and Dembling suggests some ways that balance can be made.

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron

Quiet by Susan Cain

Dembling, Sophia. The Introvert’s Way: Living a Quiet Life in a Noisy World. New York: Perigee, 2012.

Best of What I Read in 2013

Each year I like to select the top 20 percent of the books I read for special attention. Though 2013 is a few months behind, I’d still like to highlight the books I read in that year that are most noteworthy.

1. Second Kings

2. Revelation

3. The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron

4. The Purloined Letter and The Murder on the Rue Morgue by Edgar Allen Poe

5. Return of the Thin Man by Dashiell Hammett

6. My Antonia by Willa Cather

7. The Postman by David Brin

Other annual best-of lists:

Best of What I Read in 2012

Best of What I Read in 2011

Best of What I Read in 2010

Best of What I Read in 2009

Best of What I Read in 2008
Best of What I Read in 2007

Other best-of lists:

Top 15 Books Reviewed So Far

300 Books Reviewed on Keenan’s Book Reviews

I’ve posted reviews of 300 books on this blog. It’s hard to believe.  Here are links to the 50 most recent posts. Further down are links to more reviews.

First Time Reviews

1939 by David Gelernter

A Sand County Almanac by Aldo Leopold

American Nerd by Benjamin Nugent

Arthur & George by Julian Barnes

The Big Thirst by Charles Fishman

Blue Revolution by Cynthia Barnett

Cathedral, Forge, and Waterwheel by Frances & Joseph Gies

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? by Philip K. Dick

Dog Days by Dave Ihlenfeld

Double Your Brain Power by Jean Marie Stine

Epistles

First Chronicles

First John

First Kings

First Peter

The Genius in All of Us by David Shenk

The Guns of the South by Harry Turtledove

Hamlet by William Shakespeare

Hebrews

Help, Thanks, Wow by Anne Lamott

The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron

How to Build an Android by David F. Dufty

I Declare by Joel Osteen

James

Jude

Life's Not Fair, but God is Good by Robert H. Schuller

London Under by Peter Ackroyd

Miss Leavitt's Stars by George Johnson

Men of Tomorrow by Gerard Jones

Mojo by Marshall Goldsmith

The Moon is a Harsh Mistress by Robert Heinlein

The Most Effective Organization in the U.S. by Robert A. Watson & Ben Brown

No Excuses by Brian Tracy

Pauline Letters

Philemon

Quiet by Susan Cain

Rapt by Winifred Gallagher

Reading Like a Writer by Francine Prose

Revelation

Scott Pilgrim and the Infinite Sadness by Bryan Lee O'Malley

Second John

Second Kings

Second Peter

Second Samuel

The Solution by Lucinda Bassett

Succeed by Heidi Grant Halvorson

Superman versus the Ku Klux Klan by Rick Bowers

The Thinking Life by P. M. Forni

Third John

This Year I Will... by M. J. Ryan

Additional and Expanded Reviews

1089 and All That: A Journey into Mathematics by David Acheson

1939 by David Gelernter

American Nerd by Benjamin Nugent

The Big Roads: The Untold Story of the Engineers, Visionaries, and Trailblazers Who Created the American Superhighways by Earl Swift

The Brooklyn Bridge: They Said it Couldn’t be Built by Judith St. George

Buried Alive: The Terrifying History of Our Most Primal Fear by Jan Bondeson

Dreams of Iron and Steel by Deborah Cadbury

The Essential Engineer: Why Science Alone Will Not Solve Our Global Problems by Henry Petroski

The Ghost Map: The Story of London’s Most Terrifying Epidemic—and How It Changed Science, Cities, and the Modern World by Steven Johnson

How to Build an Android: The True Story of Philip K. Dick’s Robotic Resurrection by David F. Dufty

Men of Tomorrow by Gerard Jones

Quiet by Susan Cain

The Secret by Rhonda Byrne

The Sherlockian by Graham Moore

The Physics of Superheroes by James Kakalios

Undaunted Courage: Meriwether Lewis, Thomas Jefferson, and the Opening of the American West by Stephen Ambrose

Continuation of list of 250 books reviewed

First 25 Reviews

Reviews 26-50

Reviews 51-75

Reviews 76-100

Reviews 101-150

Reviews 151-200

New & Interesting Stuff Feb. 6, 2013

Bills to rename I-70 bridge at St. Louis the Stan Musial Memorial Bridge

-H.R. 420

-S. 166

Black History Month Links

Courts Overturn EPA Rules

Don’t Mess With Texas Water

EPA Approves Missouri Wastewater Rule Change

February Featured Book

February Featured Category

The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron

Highway Funding

Infrastructure Nexus

LaHood Announces Plan to Leave DOT

LaHood Leaving Transportation

New & Interesting Stuff Jan. 24, 2013

The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord

Work to Keep Mississippi River Open Continues

The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron

At the end of sixth grade, my English teacher, Mrs. Lumsden, gave out “unusual awards.”  I was awarded “Best Observer.”    It is one of the signs that I am a highly sensitive person, and it is one of the happier memories related to my trait.

Research psychologist Elaine N. Aron describes highly sensitive people, or HSPs, in her book The Highly Sensitive Person.  HSPs, which make up about 15 to 20 percent of the population, are people with more responsive nervous system, who notice smaller stimuli and react more strongly to stimuli.

Aron is careful to distinguish the physiological trait of high sensitivity from inhibition, introversion, and shyness.  Okay, HSPs are often, or appear to be, introverted and shy.  Aron reframes HSP behavior as a response to overstimulation.  Everyone has an optimal level of arousal, and because HSPs are aroused more by smaller stimuli, which are abundant and can even include our own emotional responses to experiences, they are more easily aroused more than is optimum for them.  Everyone withdraws (is shy) when faced with too much arousal, and everyone needs time to quietly process (introversion).

Let me give you an example from my own life.  When I was a young child, I was very emotional.  I was easily overwhelmed, to the point of losing self-control, by my own emotions and the experiences that triggered them.  When I was in fifth grade, I found a model for managing it: Mr. Spock of Star Trek.  He was person (or Vulcan or half-Vulcan) with intense emotions that used various practices of logical thinking, meditation, art and study to discipline himself and control his own behavior.  Yes, at that age it meant repressing my emotions and withdrawing from others to some degree.  I gained a sense of self-control and space to think.  It was a little patch of high ground above the flood.  As a kid on the verge of puberty, it was precious to me.

That challenge hasn’t diminished as an adult.  How can I enjoy the sensory and emotional richness I can experience without being carried away by it?  How can I take notice of the little things that make me pause without getting jumpy?  How can I pursue the challenging and meaningful work that attracts me without being exhausted by distractions and the social demands organizations?  These are questions all HSPs must answer.

Aron doesn’t always give a simple answer, but she does show readers how to find the answers for themselves.  Relationships and work present all manner of highly arousing situations that can drain an HSP.  Aron provides information on how to approach these challenges in ways that acknowledge your trait of high sensitivity, with its weakness and the many strengths that can be brought to bear on the problem.

These problems can be exacerbated for HSPs who had rough childhoods, which is all too common.  (I’m fortunate that I had accepting and tolerant parents.  I suspect there are several HSPs scattered in my extended family, which fits with high sensitivity generally being inherited.)  Therapy can be very helpful for HSPs who need to deal with these issues.  Aron provides recommendations on what kind of therapies may be most useful to HSPs.

I suspect most of the readers of this book will be HSPs.  If you’re not an HSP, you probably know one.  If you think your spouse, close friend, or employee is an HSP, it may be worthwhile to read this book.  HSPs have a lot of strengths they would happily bring to your relationship or business if they are given the opportunity and a little quiet space in which to thrive.

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

Quiet by Susan Cain

Aron, Elaine N.  The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You.  1996.  New York: Broadway, 1998.

Keenan is on Google Plus.

Quiet by Susan Cain

I am an introvert.  So is Susan Cain, author of Quiet.  I imagine so are many of the other readers of this book on introversion and its strengths as they look to understand themselves and live more comfortably in a world the favors the outgoing.

Cain divides her book into four parts corresponding to four questions about introversion.  What are the roots of the preference for extroversion in the West, especially in America?  Is introversion real, a quality inherent to our nature?  Are there cultures where introversion is preferred?  Finally, how to introvert live in an extroverted culture?

What Cain calls the “Extrovert Ideal” arose with a cultural shift to a focus on personality.  This isn’t personality as a trait as she uses in the rest of the book, but personality as personal forcefulness, persuasion and salesmanship.  This seems to have arisen naturally over time with the rise of industry and our move to cities.  We were less producers and more sellers, and the main thing we had to sell was ourselves.  Cain uses as an example, though the trend started earlier, Dale Carnegie (a Missourian like me).  Carnegie propelled himself from shy farm boy to dynamic people person by mastering public speaking and he built and business that still exists today on teaching people to be more outgoing.

The distinction between introversion and extroversion is more that cultural, though.  There is evidence that inborn physiological difference play a role in these personalities.  Cain discusses research on the subject that  suggest there is a biological basis that at  least partly explains introversion, though life experience likely still plays some role.  There is not a 100 percent correlation between being a “highly reactive” or “highly sensitive” person and being an introvert, but many introverts reading this book will probably recognize themselves in these categories.

Though the Extrovert Ideal prevails in the West, introversion seems to be preferred in the East.  We see this in the quiet studiousness that has become the reputation of Asian-Americans.  Many Asian cultures prefer quiet, reserve, deference, reflectiveness and other traits associated with introversion.  They are seen as wisdom, politeness and respect.

Though extroverts draw most of the attention, and that will likely continue, introverts have strengths that can be useful in organization and society (introverts aren’t antisocial, they just deal with stimulus differently than extroverts).  Introverts are more likely to pay attention to warning signs.  For instance, Warren Buffet predicted the collapse of the internet bubble.  He wasn’t being a bearish pessimist; he was just paying attention to signs that reward-hungry extroverts were ignoring.  Cain found her questioning mind and quiet demeanor made her an excellent negotiator because she could question assertions without seeming overly aggressive.  I’ve often found myself in the role of mediator and negotiator for the same reason; I could listen, sort out what people really wanted, and offer a compromise.

Not only that, Cain offers a path for happy introversion.  We can be true to ourselves and be as extroverted as we need to be to accomplish those things that are truly important to us.  Extroverts can be as quiet as they need to be, too.

Reading Quiet prompted me to think a lot about my introversion.  With a few exceptions (I was never especially afraid of public speaking—it got me out of the crowd of pressing bodies in the audience), I’m a typical introvert.  I may write about it sometime.  I suspect many introverts who read it will find much to reflect on, especially since such reflection will come naturally.  It is a worthy book for extroverts, too, for insight into the many obvious and hidden introverts in their lives, probably a few very close to them.

Cain, Susan.  Quiet: The Power if Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking.  New York: Crown, 2012.

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