Move Ahead with Possibility Thinking by Robert H. Schuller

In many ways Robert H. Schuller was the model of the modern megachurch pastor. He can be seen as a successor to Norman Vincent Peale in his blend of religion and self-help. They both preached that what you think matters.

Schuller wrote about what he called possibility thinking. He put it in the title of his book Move Ahead with Possibility Thinking.

Possibility thinking is a focus on how valuable ideas can be implemented and worthy goas achieved. Schuller contrasts this with impossibility thinking, a focus on why something won’t work or can’t be done. He believed a lot of great ideas were killed at conception in a rush to find problems, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

Move Ahead has the feel of a how-to book. Each chapter looks at some aspect of practicing possibility thinking. He breaks them down into a list of steps; he even numbers each step. He elaborates on the steps, usually including an illustrative story. Many of these stories draw on his experience founding a new church in California or on the experiences of members of his congregation. Other come from famous people, many of whom he had met.

Schuller speaks often of Christ and his religious faith. However, if you removed these references from Move Ahead, it would still be a self-help book—just a little shorter.

Robert H. Schuller also wrote

Life's Not Fair, but God is Good

Self Love

You Can Become the Person You Want to Be

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

Be All You Can Be! by John C. Maxwell

I Declare by Joel Osteen

Positive Imaging by Norman Vincent Peale

The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale

Reposition Yourself by T. D. Jakes

You Can if You Think You Can by Norman Vincent Peale

You Can, You Will by Joel Osteen

Schuller, Robert H. Move Ahead with Possibility Thinking. 1967. Old Tappan, NJ: Spire Books, 1978.

The Joy of Supernatural Thinking by Bill Bright

Bright, Bill. The Joy of Supernatural Thinking. Colorado Springs, CO: Victor, 2005.

Through this book, Dr. Bill Bright, founder of Campus Crusade for Christ International, invites readers on a life of adventure. The adventure is greater than what any person could accomplish; it is living a life that can only be achieved with the power of God.

To Bright, supernatural thinking isn’t just positive thinking or dwelling on what is possible. It is thinking after God, imagining, planning and doing things for Him that would be impossible without him.

Supernatural thinking is also not esoteric thinking. It is instead seeking God and letting Him transform our minds and becoming informed about His plans for us. This may not be something that is common, but it should be within the grasp of every Christian. The Holy Spirit dwells in us and through Him we have the mind of Christ.

A life of supernatural thinking is one of great humility, though one empowered by God for great accomplishment. It begins with knowing God and submitting to Him. It continues with seeking His vision for your life. It involves abandoning reliance on human effort and adopting a perspective that includes the power of God to accomplish what He wills.

Supernatural thinking involves deeply trusting God and letting that deep trust, and the high expectations it engenders, influence the way we pray, our plans and the way we love others. It is a life of walking in the Spirit, trusting God, obeying Him and looking forward to the amazing results He will bring about. Supernatural thinking and supernatural results are only possible for those who are submitted to the lordship of Christ.




The book also includes an audio abridgement read by Mike Huckabee, at the time governor of Arkansas and more recently a candidate for the presidency. It is a nice quality audio CD that smoothly abridges the book.

Life's Not Fair, but God is Good by Robert H. Schuller

You may remember Robert H. Schuller from the Hour of Power television program. He was a popular figure who attracted celebrities to appear on broadcasts of worship services from the Crystal Cathedral. He preached what you might call a gospel of positivity, making in consciously a successor to Norman Vincent Peale and in some sense a predecessor to Joel Osteen. The Crystal Cathedral and the Schullers have floundered after his passing. Life’s Not Fair, but God is Good was published in happier times for them.

Reading the book two decades after it was published gave me an opportunity to look back. One of the things that struck me is that Schuller wrote of the fall of the Soviet Union soon after it occurred. He had high hopes for Russia and the other countries shifting toward a more democratic form of government. He looked forward to flourishing Christianity, greater freedom, wealth, and opportunity for long oppressed people. I’m not sure what he would think of the current state of affairs, especially in Russia, but clearly fall short of the hopes he expressed.

The book also prompted me to recall the Hour of Power. A routine segment featured Schuller interviewing someone, recorded live before the congregation of his church. Though it is not mentioned, I suspect many of the interviews recounted in the book may have come from the show. These guests were often famous performers, athletes, and politicians. Others were people who overcame troubles of all sorts, handicaps, injuries, financial setbacks, abuse and losses. The common thread through these interviews was how people succeeded through faith in God’s grace, hope, positive outlook and persistence.

Speaking of themes, I should say something about the book. The title expresses the theme: Life’s Not Fair, but God is Good. Schuller concedes that sometimes life sucks. Bad things happen to everyone, and sometimes the worst things happen to those who seem to deserve it least. In spite of that, people can lead lives of purpose and joy because God is good. The Great Redeemer can man something beautiful out of the ugliness of life. Not only can He, He will.

I suppose the meat of the book is advice on how to live in the gap between the unfair circumstances we experience and the awesome goodness we can know even in the midst of them. In this, Schuller presents a mix of Christian philosophy and self-help positive thinking. We can’t always choose our circumstances, but we can choose our reactions. Schuller encourages hopeful, positive responses based on the acknowledgment of God’s goodness. Prayer, belief, gratitude, good works, humility, forgiveness, connection to others, generosity, patience, and vision are tools we have, or can develop, to be overcomers in the face of obstacles. We master these skills under the tutelage of the Holy Spirit as we get to know Christ better.

Robert H. Schuller also wrote Self-Love.

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

The 4:8 Principle by Tommy Newberry

Gratitude by Melody Beattie

I Declare by Joel Osteen

It’s Not About Me by Max Lucado

The Joy of Supernatural Thinking by Bill Bright

Just Say Thanks! by R. T. Kendall

Positive Imaging by Norman Vincent Peale

The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale

Quiet by Susan Cain

Stop Whining, Start Living by Dr. Laura

This Year I Will… by M. J. Ryan

You Can if You Think You Can by Norman Vincent Peale

Schuller, Robert H. Life’s Not Fair, but God is Good. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1991.

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You Can Become the Person You Want to Be by Robert H. Schuller

As a megachurch pastor of a previous generation, Robert H. Schuller wrote several books about what he called possibility thinking. In You Can Become the Person You Want to Be, Schuller puts for the idea their own beliefs, or “impossibility thinking,” holds that people back. People allow fear and perfectionism to hold them back. The delay to form perfect plans, they quit when they discover the slightest flaw, the turn back when things get tough. As a result, many people are missing out on the life they want.

In contrast, Schuller encourages what he calls possibility thinking. Recognize that there is no perfect plan. Look for the good and start building on it to improve your life.

He offers advice for building possibility thinking. For instance, get to the root of fear. Very often you will find that things you fear are things you can handle, or possibly the aren’t very bad at all. Instead of being insurmountable roadblock, you fears are often things you can handle (or learn to overcome, or get help with) if they even happen.

If you have a good idea, start now. Do not delay. Start small and build in stages.  If you believe you can solve the problems that you must overcome to do a worthy thing, you will. Schuller offers several problem-solving tips.

Throughout the book, Schuller encourages the use of affirmations. He even lists several. Affirmations activate your faith and build your possibility thinking.

Schuller’s book is flavored with religion, as you would expect of a pastor. He doesn’t suggest that God is a major factor in things until the later chapters of the book. Even so, the religious tone of the book are not really any stronger, and only a little more specific, than what you might find in a host of other self-help books.

Robert H. Schuller also wrote

Life's Not Fair, but God is Good

Self-Love

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

I Declare by Joel Osteen

Language and the Pursuit of Happiness by Chalmers Brothers

Positive Imaging by Norman Vincent Peale

The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale

You Can if You Think You Can by Norman Vincent Peale

Schuller, Robert H. You Can Become the Person You Want to Be. New York: Hawthorn, 1973.

Positive Words, Powerful Results by Hal Urban

Educator Hal Urban reminds his readers of the power of words in Positive Words, Powerful Results. Words create pictures in our minds. They influence our buying decisions and health. One of the most important things about words is that we can chose how to use them, whether to build up or to tear down.

Urban encourages people to use words to build up. Use kind, affirming, complimentary words. Tell people what they are doing right. Express interest in people and ask them about themselves.

In addition to influencing others, words can reveal what is going on inside of us. Our choice of words reveals whether our thoughts and feelings are positive or negative. As Jesus put it, “A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings for that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings for that which is evil; for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45).

If we want to produce positive words that help people, we need to be concerned about what goes into that treasure of our hearts. There is a lot of trash out there and if we don’t limit our exposure, we can easily become full of it. There is also plenty of good and we can seek it out. Just as we choose what we say, we can also choose much of what we hear.

Though it is couched in a discussion of the words we use, Urban is engaging a larger issue of how we treat each other. He encourages kindness, gentleness and generosity. These virtues may demand more than words, but they still demand expression in speech; they cannot be advanced by harshness and complaining.

Urban’s background as a teacher comes through both in the examples he draws on and the way he writes. The book is not written for children, but I think it is within the grasp of high school students and possibly younger children, particularly if an adult were going through the book with them.

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

A Complaint Free World by Will Bowen

The 4:8 Principle by Tommy Newberry

The Power of Nice by Linda Kaplan Thaler & Robin Koval

The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale

Urban, Hal. Positive Words, Powerful Results: Simple Ways to Honor, Affirm, and Celebrate Life. New York: Fireside, 2004.

Succeed by Heidi Grant Halvorson

Grant Halvorson, Heidi.  Succeed: How We Can Reach Our Goals.  New York: Hudson Street Press, 2010.

Psychologist Heidi Grant Halvorson discusses the latest research on what works in goal setting in her book Succeed.  The way we think about and construct our goals has a lot to do with whether we achieve them.

There a few things that a strongly related to successful goal pursuit.  One is to have goals focused on “getting better” rather than on “being good.”  Many people focus on being good and operate from a theory that talent, ability and personal traits are fixed.  This can lead to discouragement and giving up in the face of difficulties (if you’re not succeeding now, you probably won’t later).  The more fruitful, and it turns out more true, theory is that many personal traits are flexible, even intelligence and personality.  If we make our goal to get better at something, it takes the pressure off of having to do things well at the start (of course you won’t do a new thing well the first time), and gives you the perspective of a learner who can be resilient when experiencing set-backs.

Another important aspect of successful goal pursuit is planning.  Grant Halvorson describes a type of simple planning that helps people achieve goals.  One of the especially powerful things about these plans is that you can foresee temptations and obstacles and plan your response.  If you plan in advance what you’ll do when someone brings doughnuts to the office (I once was acquainted with someone famous for shouting out “Who brought the damn doughnuts?”), you’ll be more like to do it and avoid eating one (or three).

Succeed includes many other strategies for improving goal pursuit.  The effectiveness of these strategies varies depending on what motivates the individual person or the type of goal being pursued.  Grant Halvorson provides simple tests to help the reader discover which strategies will work best for them.  I was not at all surprised by the type of things that motivate me.  I had not previously tried to structure my goals to take advantage of it.  I’m looking forward to putting that idea to the test.

The book also addresses positive thinking and optimism.  I’ve read quite a bit of self-help and you’ll find in some of that literature suggested that positive thinking and optimism is unmitigated good and the essence of achieving dreams.  Grant Halvorson says that imagining you will succeed is very good, but imagining it will be easy is not.  We need to recognize that the road to success has many obstacles, and realistically assessing the obstacles will help us deal with them.

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

The Procrastination Equation by Piers Steel

Secrets You Keep from Yourself by Dan Neuharth

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What I Read (7)

Date: January 23, 2006
Title: Don’t Grow Old—Grow Up! Author: Dorothy Carnegie
Thoughts: “The moment a man’s attention is center on service to others, he becomes more dynamic, more forceful and harder to resist” (quote from the book).

Date: January 30, 2006
Title: The Great Bridge
Author: David McCollough
Thoughts: A good book about a great accomplishment.

Date: February 26, 2006
Title: Positive Imaging Author: Norman Vincent Peale
Thoughts: The launch of Infra Consulting LC in March 2006 receives a huge, positive response from potential clients and the media. Within days I’m having consultations and negotiating contracts for grant writing and management consulting projects. I have a training session scheduled for April that is filling fast. (I didn’t launch my business until November 2006 and it didn’t go this smoothly.)

Date: March 13, 2006
Title: Change the Way You See Everything Author: Kathryn D. Cramer & Hank Wasiak
Thoughts: Connie and I have been talking about similar things for months. We just didn’t have the term ABT. Though Cramer & Wasiak suggest ABT is more than just positive thinking, it seems not far from Peale and Carnegie. Thinking isn’t magic, it leads to action.

Date: April 19, 2006
Title: Getting Started in Consulting
Author: Allen Weiss
Thoughts: I will be a successful consultant. I am attracting great clients to me and my business.

Date: May 11, 2006
Title: The Success Principles Author: Jack Canfield with Janet Switzer
Thoughts: I’m going to achieve all the good I can imagine now and even more.

Date: May 16, 2006
Title: Self-Love
Author: Robert H. Schuller
Thoughts: “Man is a dignity seeker” (quote from the book).

Date: June 26, 2006
Title: The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership Tested by Time Author: James L. Garlow
Thoughts: “I tell you that virtue is not given by money, but that from virtue comes money and every other good of man, public as well as private,” Socrates.

Other parts of What I Read
Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5,
Part 6

You Can, You Will by Joel Osteen

In You Can, You Will, megachurch pastor Joel Osteen discusses qualities of a winner. Actually, Osteen might say that you’re already a winner, you just need to start believing and acting one to see in come to fruition.

First, winners have a vision and they stay focused on in. A practical way that Osteen suggests to keep your vision before your eyes is to put things in your environment, like sayings or objects, that remind you of your vision.

Winners stay focused on their goals. In particular, they don’t get derailed by trying to please everyone or to please people who are never happy. They know the difference between being kind and generous and taking improper responsibility for the happiness of others.

Osteen encourages people to expect good things to happen. Reinforce this belief by actively remembering good things that have happened to you in the past.

Be positive intentionally. Do your best to enjoy whatever you can in your current situation, even while you hope and work for something better.

Winners strive for excellence. Do the best you can and look for ways to improve. Show your desire for excellence by taking care of yourself and your things.

Always be growing. If you’re not working to improve your abilities, you’ll get left behind. Besides, if you have big dreams, there are probably many things you need to learn and improve on your way to achieving them.

Make service a lifestyles. Try to make life actually better for actual people. As a bonus, you’ll have more satisfaction with life.

Finally, be enthusiastic. Stir up your passion. It’s easy to get bogged down and discouraged, so you have to intentionally maintain a good attitude that will carry you through rough times.

Mostly, this is standard self-help material. Osteen touches on a more deeply and fundamentally Christian topic in the chapter on serving others. The Bible repeatedly describes God as a helper of the poor, widowed, orphan and oppressed. He repeatedly expresses the pleasure he takes in His people when they help needy people.

Though he doesn’t devote a chapter too it, Osteen emphasizes the need to surround yourself with good people. You need to spend time with people who will challenge and encourage you. Spend as much time as you can with people you want to be like.

Joel Osteen also wrote I Declare.

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

Be All You Can Be! by John C. Maxwell

Creative Living for Today by Maxwell Maltz

Life's Not Fair, but God is Good by Robert H. Schuller

Positive Imaging by Norman Vincent Peale

Power in Praise by Merlin R. Carothers

The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale

You Can if You Think You Can by Norman Vincent Peale

Osteen, Joel. You Can, You Will: 8 Undeniable Qualities of a Winner. New York: Faith Words, 2014.

Become a Better You by Joel Osteen

Become a Better You was Joel Osteen’s follow-up to his first book, Your Best Life Now. Osteen even presents the book as a continuation of the theme and purpose of its predecessor.

Each chapter is a topical sermon on reaching your potential in some aspect of life. The aspects are personal growth, positive self-image, relationships, habits, faith and passion.

I have previously criticized Osteen for taking self-help advice and wrapping it up in religion. I see Norman Vincent Peale and Robert H. Schuller in much the same light. A defense all of these pastors might raise is that they are focusing on practical matters of living well. A head full of religious knowledge that doesn’t change your life for the better is doing no good; it’s not the life Christians are called to.

I agree. I also see in Jesus and the apostles teachers who could both delve deep into the scripture and provide very practical instruction based on it. Religious meditation and working to make the world a better place—even if little seems to come of it—go hand-in-hand in Christianity.

In one area Osteen has a strong foundation: relationships. It is clear from the Bible that God cares very much about how we relate to and treat each other. Osteen’s use of scriptures are apropos in these chapters. The sermons hold up when read with a Bible in the other hand; something that is weaker in the other chapters.

Joel Osteen also wrote

Break Out

I Declare

Readings from Your Best Life Now

You Can, You Will

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

Be All You Can Be! by John C. Maxwell

Complaint Free Relationships by Will Bowen

Creative Living for Today by Maxwell Maltz

Faith by Jimmy Carter

Life's Not Fair, but God is Good by Robert H. Schuller

The Magic Power of Self-Image Psychology by Maxwell Malts

Positive Imaging by Norman Vincent Peale

Power in Praise by Merlin R. Carothers

The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg

The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale

Self-Love by Robert H. Schuller

You Can Become the Person You Want to Be by Robert H. Schuller

You Can if You Think You Can by Norman Vincent Peale

Osteen, Joel. Become a Better You: Seven Keys to Improving Your Life Every Day. New York: Free Press, 2007.

Get Smart! by Brian Tracy

Results matter. According to Brian Tracy, results batter most; if you’re getting bad results it doesn’t matter much what your intentions were. If you want to change your results, you need to change your behavior. Changes in behavior start with changes in thinking. In Get Smart!, Tracy outlines the thinking habits and practices of successful people.

In general successful people have these thinking habits:

-they take a long-term view,

-they make time to think without distractions,

-they gather information and learn constantly,

-they have written goals,

-they focus on results,

-they stay positive,

-they are flexible and willing to stop activities that are no longer working,

-they are creative,

-the focus on what their customers really want, and

-they emulate the habits of other successful people.

Of course, Tracy elaborates on each of these items with additional details and suggestions.

Successful people also have habits that cut across many thinking practices. For instance, they take action; a great thought deserves to be put to use. The put most of their time and effort into the most valuable things they can do and try to eliminate activities that have low value. They take responsibility for themselves. They practice thinking and acting in ways that contribute to their success until it becomes a habit.

You can find these ideas in other places. However, Get Smart! has an advantage in that it is short an written in a style that is very easy to read. If you want thicker tomes to read, Tracy mentions several in the chapters of his book. If you want something you can read, digest, and put to use quickly, this is a good place to start.

Brian Tracy also wrote No Excuses.

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

How to Fail at Almost Anything and Still Win Big by Scott Adams

How to Get Control of Your Time and Your Life by Alan Lakein

The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg

Tracy, Brian. Get Smart! How to Think and Act Like the Most Successful and Highest-Paid People in Every Field. New York: Tarcher, 2016.

Thanks! by Robert A. Emmons

Emmons, Robert A. Thanks!: How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make Your Happier. Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 2007.

As a psychologist, Robert Emmons is objective in his study of gratitude. However, he is not neutral about it because his research, and that of others, has shown that gratitude enhances happiness and resilience.


Emmons addresses something interesting about gratitude that other books on the subject don’t address as directly: it is both an emotion and an attitude. He discusses how gratitude is an emotion in a technical, psychological sense, which is not as dry as it may seem. He presents it in understandable terms.

Emotions are fleeting and one can’t feel grateful constantly. This is where the attitude of gratitude comes in. One can adopt a stance toward life that includes an awareness of the gifts one receive, great and small, and the expression of thanks for those gifts.

Such gratitude is not simply a matter of thinking. Emmons devotes a chapter to the “embodiment” of gratitude, the behavioral and physical expression of thanks. Gratefulness may be embodied in a healthier heart, longer life, more positive emotions, reduced pain, better cognition, and better self-care. These are just some of the ways gratitude is good for you.

Another benefit of gratitude is the resiliency thankful people have in trying times. People have an amazing capacity for a tendency toward positive emotions. Within months of great harms like debilitating injury, loss of love ones, or natural catastrophe, people feel positive emotions about as often as before. Even in the midst of huge losses, people can experience positive emotions alongside negative ones. Grateful people don’t ignore the negative; they just also acknowledge the positive. They recognize that things might have been worse and their still glad to have what they have. Grateful people are resilient people.

In studying gratitude, Emmons didn’t limit himself to the science, but looked to cultural traditions too, especially religion. The encouragement of gratitude is universal in major world religions. Gratitude to God, as well as others, is a trait of monotheistic religions. Other religions call for a general attitude of gratitude. He specifically addresses several religious traditions of gratefulness, and his discussion of the pervasive thanksgiving that is called for in Christianity is on the mark.

One of my favorite things about the book is that it devotes a chapter to practicing gratitude. It is easy to take things for granted, so thankfulness is something we need to be develop and sustain through practice. Emmons describes 10 things people can do to cultivate gratitude. Each activity is easy to perform and most are intended for regular practice.

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in
The 4:8 Principle by Tommy Newberry
Gratitude by Melody Beattie
Why Good Things Happen to Good People by Stephen Post and Jill Neimark

The Solution by Lucinda Bassett

You may have heard of Lucinda Bassett and the Midwest Center for Stress and Anxiety. I remember hearing her on radio commercials talking about a book or audio program. You may have seen her infomercial or an appearance on a talk show, notably Oprah.

As you can guess form the name of her business, Bassett focuses on helping people overcome stress, anxiety, and fear. That is the purpose of her book, The Solution.

The first part of The Solution is a description of the problem. Of course, a certain amount of fear, stress, and anxiety are natural. They are our built-in emotional and physical responses to threats in our environment. They become problems when we experience them too often, when they capture us in constrained and unsatisfying lives. The worst part is that much of the fear, anxiety, and stress we experience is our own doing, responses to worries and imagined threats.

Worry turns our imagination into our worst enemy.  We seek out threats, conjure catastrophes, and foresee the worst. Bassett says we can turn this around. We can train ourselves to use our imaginations positively, to seek opportunities, to foresee desirable results. This notion is fundamental to most self-help, but Bassett frames it a little more interestingly. We can worry positively. A great worrier can be a great success.

These worries and the habitual behaviors they trigger, are rooted in a core story. This is another opportunity for reframing. A core story that once lead to defeat and discouragement can become motivation to strive for something better. Exercises in the book guide the reader in discovering his core story.

The second half of the book presents six strategies for dealing with stress and anxiety.

•  Detachment is about accepting and letting go of things you cannot change, being honest, and holding on to peace.
• Security is about improving your attitudes and beliefs about money and getting your financial house in order.
• Good health is important to coping with stress. Diet, exercise and sleep are the keys to good health.
• Compassion is a potent antidote to anxiety. Show yourself compassions by stopping the negative messages you repeat to yourself and intentionally practice positive self-talk.
• Reconnects with you dreams and decide what you want, the develop a plan to achieve your goals. Put the plan into action.
• A balanced life looks different for different people, but balance helps us all feel less anxious. Set your priorities, act on them, and live with purpose in the moment.

 
The strength of the book is Bassett’s own experience. She is someone who was once hindered by anxiety who has turned her imagination from and enemy to an ally. She reframed her core story from one of loneliness and lack to motivation to have a good life of family and abundance. Bassett also enlivens the book with stories of her clients, popular figures, and historical people.

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

Change Your Brain, Change Your Body by Daniel G. Amen

Secrets You Keep from Yourself by Dan Neuharth

Positive Imaging by Norman Vincent Peale

The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale

You Can if You Think You Can by Norman Vincent Peale

Bassett, Lucinda. The Solution: Conquer Your Fear, Control Your Future. New York: Sterling, 2011.

Complaint Free Relationships by Will Bowen

Complaint Free Relationships is a follow-up to Will Bowen’s previous book, A Complaint Free World. The fundamental premise of the first book carries over to the second. Our thoughts create our lives. Our words are indicators of our thoughts. When we become aware of complaining, and the negative thinking it represents, we can choose to think more positively and gain happier results.

Bowen notes that one of the most common things people complain about is relationships. He focuses on the “relate” in relationship. To a great extent our relationships are the stories we tell ourselves about other people. When we complain about someone, aloud or in our minds, we are telling ourselves a story about that person’s behaviors of features that we dislike, and usually ascribe to them negative motivations and traits.

In addition, Bowen says people can pick up the negativity of our internal stories and will generally respond in kind. If you expect the worst of people, you’ll usually get it, and they’ll have a negative view of you, too.

You can reverse this by telling yourself a different story. Have compassion. Don’t leap to conclusions about someone’s motives or personality. Tell yourself a story that is compassionate, understanding, and positive. People will sense this as well, and will respond positively.

Of course, we can’t always change are minds with the snap of a finger. In some cases we must deal with truly difficult people. Sometime we are troubled by ingrained problems of our own.

Bowen offers advice for dealing with these tougher cases. We can understand our own, or others, motivations to complain and deal with them. We can take responsibility to see that our needs are met instead of complaining about our frustrations. Instead of venting our anger (it only makes us angrier), we can undertake to process our emotions. Many of these techniques can be adapted to improving the relationship we have without ourselves, which affects all our relationships.

Complaining is particularly damaging to relationships. Research sited by Bowen demonstrates that complaining is a major cause of the failure of relationships. You don’t have to live with bad relationships or watch them fall apart. If you’re willing to change your perspective and take on the challenges of personal growth, you can see you relationships improve, and even become sources of fun and joy.

Will Bowen also wrote A Complaint Free World. If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs

Mindset by Carol S. Dweck

The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale

The Solution by Lucinda Bassett

Stop Whining, Start Living by Dr. Laura

Bowen, Will. Complaint Free Relationships: How to Positively Transform Your Personal, and Love Relationships. New York: Doubleday, 2009.