Complaint
Free Relationships is a follow-up to Will Bowen’s
previous book, A Complaint Free World. The
fundamental premise of the first book carries over to the second. Our thoughts
create our lives. Our words are indicators of our thoughts. When we become
aware of complaining, and the negative thinking it represents, we can choose to
think more positively and gain happier results.
Bowen notes that one of the most common
things people complain about is relationships.
He focuses on the “relate” in relationship. To a great extent our relationships
are the stories we tell ourselves about other people. When we complain about
someone, aloud or in our minds, we are telling ourselves a story about that
person’s behaviors of features that we dislike, and usually ascribe to them
negative motivations and traits.
In addition, Bowen says people can pick
up the negativity of our internal stories and will generally respond in kind.
If you expect the worst of people, you’ll usually get it, and they’ll have a
negative view of you, too.
You can reverse this by telling yourself
a different story. Have compassion.
Don’t leap to conclusions about someone’s motives or personality. Tell yourself
a story that is compassionate, understanding, and positive. People will sense
this as well, and will respond positively.
Of course, we can’t always change are
minds with the snap of a finger. In some cases we must deal with truly
difficult people. Sometime we are troubled by ingrained problems of our own.
Bowen offers advice for dealing with
these tougher cases. We can understand our own, or others, motivations to
complain and deal with them. We can take responsibility to see that our needs are
met instead of complaining about our frustrations. Instead of venting our anger
(it only makes us angrier), we can undertake to process our emotions. Many of
these techniques can be adapted to improving the relationship we have without
ourselves, which affects all our relationships.
Complaining is particularly damaging to
relationships. Research sited by Bowen demonstrates that complaining is a major
cause of the failure of relationships. You don’t have to live with bad
relationships or watch them fall apart. If you’re willing to change your
perspective and take on the challenges of personal growth, you can see you
relationships improve, and even become sources of fun and joy.
Will Bowen also wrote A Complaint Free World. If you’re
interested in this book, you may also be interested in
