In a previous job, I worked in the field of industrial safety. This is partly a matter of regulation,
so there was often great concern about the rules. Though it was necessary to
follow the rules, I also wanted to people to think. If they were going to be
safe in reality, they needed to be aware, use their imagination, solve problems
and ask for help.
I found a parallel to this in P. M. Forni’s
approach to civility. As he put it in Choosing
Civility, “Consideration is imagination in a moral track.”
In the early chapters Forni considers the notion of civility and how it
relates to courtesy,
politeness
and manners. He wrote, “Being civil means being constantly aware of others and
weaving restraint, respect and consideration into the fabric of this awareness.
Civility is a form of goodness; it is gracious goodness.” Civility is the art
of living well with others.
The second part of the book includes brief chapters on the rules of
civility. In some cases, Forni prescribes some behavior, but in mostly this is
an exploration of how awareness, respect and consideration
of others can practiced in various ways.
I think a few of these worth highlighting. The first of Forni’s rules
is to be attentive. Your attention is
one of the most important and valuable things you can give to someone. Paying
attention to others is the starting point of showing respect and acting in
kindness.
Related to attention is listening.
Careful listening is a skill. When practiced well, it can build understanding
and rapport between people. It requires focus, generosity,
responsiveness, restraint and cooperation.
I think Forni’s admonition to avoid complaining
is especially worthy. We have legitimate concerns that we should speak up
about, but often complaints are just a way to drag people into a negative
outlook or some minor problem that is not theirs.
“’Nice’ is something that must be built, something that doesn’t simply happen or come to us out of the blue but instead requires work," P. M. Forni, Choosing Civility
P. M. Forni also wrote The Thinking Life.
If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in
Forni, P. M. Choosing Civility:
The Twenty-Five Rules of Considerate Conduct. New York: St.
Martin’s Griffin, 2002.
