Choosing Civility by P. M. Forni

In a previous job, I worked in the field of industrial safety.  This is partly a matter of regulation, so there was often great concern about the rules. Though it was necessary to follow the rules, I also wanted to people to think. If they were going to be safe in reality, they needed to be aware, use their imagination, solve problems and ask for help.

I found a parallel to this in P. M. Forni’s approach to civility. As he put it in Choosing Civility, “Consideration is imagination in a moral track.”

In the early chapters Forni considers the notion of civility and how it relates to courtesy, politeness and manners. He wrote, “Being civil means being constantly aware of others and weaving restraint, respect and consideration into the fabric of this awareness. Civility is a form of goodness; it is gracious goodness.” Civility is the art of living well with others.

The second part of the book includes brief chapters on the rules of civility. In some cases, Forni prescribes some behavior, but in mostly this is an exploration of how awareness, respect and consideration of others can practiced in various ways.

I think a few of these worth highlighting. The first of Forni’s rules is to be attentive. Your attention is one of the most important and valuable things you can give to someone. Paying attention to others is the starting point of showing respect and acting in kindness.

Related to attention is listening. Careful listening is a skill. When practiced well, it can build understanding and rapport between people. It requires focus, generosity, responsiveness, restraint and cooperation.

I think Forni’s admonition to avoid complaining is especially worthy. We have legitimate concerns that we should speak up about, but often complaints are just a way to drag people into a negative outlook or some minor problem that is not theirs.

“’Nice’ is something that must be built, something that doesn’t simply happen or come to us out of the blue but instead requires work," P. M. Forni, Choosing Civility

P. M. Forni also wrote The Thinking Life.

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

A Complaint Free World by Will Bowen

The Power of Nice by Linda Kaplan Thaler & Robin Koval

The Last Self-Help Book You'll Ever Need by Paul Pearsall

The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck

Forni, P. M. Choosing Civility: The Twenty-Five Rules of Considerate Conduct. New York: St. Martin’s Griffin, 2002.

Why Good Things Happen to Good People by Stephen Post and Jill Neimark

Post, Stephen, and Jill Neimark. Why Good Things Happen to Good People: The Exciting New Research that Proves the Link Between Doing Good and Living a Longer, Happier, Healthier Life. New York: Broadway Books, 2007.

Solomon wrote, “The generous soul will be made rich, and he who waters will be watered” (Proverbs 11:25 NKJV). According to bioethicist Stephen Post and writer Jill Neimark, this ancient wisdom is true and backed up by modern science.



Throughout the book, they site numerous studies of showing that giving benefits the giver with better physical and mental health and longer life. The effects can be both immediate, such as the release of feel-good chemicals in the brain when we do good, and long-term, such as longer life and better health in old age.

The book is only partly a summary of the research on the benefits of giving. It is catalog of types of giving. In each area, it provides a test to evaluate one’s giving and suggestion on how to be a giver. The authors seek to reach from the research to its application in how people can be better givers and reap the benefits of it.

An interesting aspect of the book is the areas of giving. Some are expected. Generativity, compassion and listening are types of giving that will quickly spring to the minds of many. Some may be unexpected. Courage, humor and creativity are less obvious ways of giving, but the authors show how we can enrich the lives of others through them and be better off, too.

A chapter that particularly caught my attention dealt with the way of celebration, or gratitude. I’ve long thought that our appreciation for the good in our lives is essential to our happiness. The research sited in this book confirms that gratitude makes happier and calmer. It also helps us heal and have relationships with others. The authors offer some very good advice on how to increase gratitude, just as they show ways to increase in the other forms of giving.

Double Your Brain Power by Jean Marie Stine

In Double Your Brain Power, Jean Marie Stine doesn’t tell you how to make your brain more powerful. She tells you how to get more out of the power your brain already has.

There are five major areas of brainpower covered by the book: learning, memory, reading, listening and thinking. Under each part, a few short chapters introduce specific techniques for improving performance.

I was particularly interested in the chapter on reading. I read a lot for pleasure and work. If I can get my work reading out of the way more quickly, I’ll be able to manage my other duties better. If I can read more books, I’ll be able to post more reviews on my blog. I’ve picked up some books on speed-reading and found the techniques to be so tedious that I never followed through on developing the skill. Stine doesn’t try to teach speed-reading. Her focus is on reading smarter, getting the information you need without reading every word, and remembering the important information. The techniques probably won’t help you get through Moby Dick in a day (though they might get you through it faster than if you didn’t use them), but they probably will help you plow through the paperwork, memos, and reports that come across your desk.

I also paid close attention to the chapter on memory. If you’ve read books on mnemonics, you’ll have seen some of the techniques Stine includes. The down side of mnemonics is it takes time and effort to be good as using the techniques. Fortunately, this is not the only, or even the primary, thing in the chapter.  There are effective, and easily mastered, methods for remembering better that Stine includes.

There are recurring themes that apply to many areas of brainpower. Be attentive. Relax because your brain works better when you relax. Believe you can do better and have a firm intention of improving. Focus and concentration improve all areas of brainpower. Make connections to the things you want to learn and remember, both to things you know and to your personal experiences. Use your feelings as well as you thoughts. Review important information.

Double Your Brain Power is almost a model how-to book. It focuses on specific areas one may want to improve and skills for making those improvements. Stine built some of the skills she teaches into the structure of the book, especially reviewing. The reviews are very brief, so the book does not seem repetitive. Illustrative stories are few, brief, and directly related to the skills discussed.

This structure lends itself to including a lot of information and to brevity. I find that to be a very good quality in a nonfiction book.

In addition, Stine follows the old adage about speaking or teaching: “Tell them what you are going to tell them, tell them, and tell them what you told them.” This is not as bad as it sounds. Stine does not linger on introductions and reviews. They serve their purpose of reinforcing the major points briefly.

Double Your Brain Power does not have a great deal of original concepts, and the author readily acknowledges when ideas or techniques are adapted from others sources. The advantage of this book is that it brings many useful skills together, gets to the point and describes them briefly.

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

The Genius in All of Us by David Shenk

Idea Mapping by Jamie Nast

Moonwalking with Einstein by Joshua Foer

The Relaxation Response by Herbert Benson with Miriam Z. Klipper

Your Intelligence Makeover by Edward F. Droge, Jr.

Stine, Jean Marie. Double Your Brain Power. 1997. New York: Barnes & Noble, 2000.

Superimmunity by Paul Pearsall

Psychologist Paul Pearsall was an early proponent of current notions of mind-body medicine. For Pearsall, it was important to heal a person’s life even if it wasn’t possible to cure their disease. Often a disease can be the body’s way of getting a person’s attention, and letting him know a change is needed. People who make those changes can experience healing, sometimes in the form of a cure and sometime as health and happiness in the midst of disease. Pearsall described some of his ideas in Superimmunity.

In this book, Pearsall draws from Eastern medicine an organizing theme: hot and cold thinking. Hot thinkers are fast, impatient, black-or-white thinkers. They can be judgmental and prone to exaggeration, overreaction and isolation. Cold thinkers overreact to trivial things and underreact to important things. They are prone to passivity and feeling of inadequacy. They are isolated in their own way, and though often out of touch with their emotions, they often despair.

The body responds to these thinking styles. Hot reactors are always on the attack, and their immune systems attack their bodies. Heart disease is associated with hot people. Cold reactors are inactive, so their bodies may respond with excessive activity, particularly cell growth (i.e. cancer).

Pearsall does not eschew medicine. If you are facing a serious illness, the likes of heart disease or cancer, you need a lot of medical help. However, you also need to enlist the aid of your own immune system, which may be doing something counterproductive if it is very active at all. You’re immune system is closely linked to your brain, more so that was commonly thought when Pearsall was writing in the 1980s, so getting the best immune response calls for leaving hot or cold thinking for something more balanced.

“Until recently, we have behaved as if the immune system were somehow separate from us, doing its job secretly, automatically, beyond our control…. Research now tells us that our immune system functions within a supersystem of mind and body,” Paul Pearsall, Superimmunity

Superimmunity includes many tests to help you identify if you tend to be a hot or cold thinker (you can be both). From there, Pearsall offers strategies for cooling off or warming up your thinking as needed. This can mean observing your body, listening to your disease and getting in touch with your emotions in ways that can be unfamiliar to one in the throes of hot or cold reaction. This self-evaluation that reveals the underlying dysfunction, and your own exploration and imagination may uncover your path to healing.

Pearsall does not suggest that changing your thinking will always lead to a cure, though sometimes it might. Disease and mortality are part of being a human. However, you can truly live while you are alive, and in this since experience healing. Life is more than surviving, eating, drinking and breathing. It is important to live as fully as you can.

Paul Pearsall also wrote

The Beethoven Factor

The Last Self-Help Book You'll Ever Need

Toxic Success

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

Change Your Brain Change Your Body by Daniel G. Amen

The Relaxation Response by Herbert Bnson with Miriam Z. Klipper

The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck

Timeless Healing by Herbert Benson with Marg Stark

Pearsall, Paul. Superimmunity: Master Your Emotions & Improve Your Health. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1987.

Rapt by Winifred Gallagher

Our brains can’t process all the stimuli to which we are exposed.  It selects to be more strongly aware of some stimuli that seem important and to suppresses awareness of others. It is like a spotlight that illuminates every detail of an actor and the scenery immediately next to him, but leaves the rest of the stage in twilight or even completed darkness. This process is attention.

Our experience of life is what we pay attention to. This is the thesis of Winifred Gallagher’s book Rapt. We may not always be happy, be can nearly always be focused and choose to pay attention to what brings us peace, joy, and a sense of meaning in the moment.

We have two types of attention. Gallagher calls the first “bottom up” attention. This is the our instinctive attention to things in our environment that are novel, potentially dangerous, or a potential opportunity.

Top down attention is intentional focus on what we choose. Our intentional focus can be very powerful, drilling into our target while leaving us unaware of things that might otherwise seem obvious. Gallagher recounts a humorous experiment in which subjects were asked to watch for a certain activity on a video. The subjects completely missed a man in a gorilla suit dancing around in the video because their top down attention was so intensely trained on the task they were instructed to pursue.

In the same manner that attention raises or lowers awareness of physical stimuli, it adjusts awareness of our own thoughts and feelings. Bottom up attention tends to focus on the most and least pleasant feelings, our highs and lows. Our top down attention can focus on any thought of feeling we want.

In turn, our thoughts and feelings affect our attention. When we are negative, our focus narrows to take in just a little. Feeling bad make our problem seem like the only thing in the world. Positive thoughts and feeling expands our attention, allowing us to take in more information. It switches us to mental broadband that allows us to be aware of more of our world both inside and out.

Attention is important to every aspect of life. Relationships are inherently paying attention to others. Intimacy in relationships is built on building common, positive experiences from paying attention to the same thing and to each other. Success requires intense, long-term attention to our goals. Fulfillment arises from taking on just-manageable challenges that hold our attention. Creativity involves a calm mindfulness that does not so much capture an idea as allow it to unfold in our awareness. Motivation comes from sorting out the competing voices in our mind and listening to the ones that advocate for our goals.

Our attentional style is shaped both by our genes and our culture. A significant part of what and how we pay attention is learned. Because of this, we can learn new ways of attending and direct our focus in new directions. If we learn to pay attention to positive emotions and opportunities for positive action, we can change our experience of life to have more peace, joy, and fulfillment.

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

Change Your Brain Change Your Body by Daniel G. Amen

The Genius in All of Us by David Shenk

Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs

The Mindful Way through Depression by Mark Williams et al

Moonwalking with Einstein by Joshua Foer

The Procrastination Equation by Piers Steel

Quiet by Susan Cain

Succeed by Heidi Grant Halvorson

The Thinking Life by P. M. Forni

Gallagher, Winifred. Rapt: Attention and the Focused Life. New York: Penguin, 2009.

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