A Complaint Free World by Will Bowen

It was big news back in 2006 to 2007 when a Kansas City church challenged its members, and the eventually the world, to stop complaining. The pastor, Will Bowen who authored A Complaint Free World, appeared on Oprah. The method was simple. Wear a purple bracelet; every time you complain, switch the bracelet from one wrist to the other. When you manage to go 21 days without speaking a complaint (it will take months for most people), you form habits that reduce even your complaining thoughts. A rubber band, a token you switch from pocket to pocket, or similar reminder will do the trick.

Complaining is talking about what we don’t want instead of what we want. This is important in Bowen’s view because our words are a reflection of our thoughts and, as Earl Nightingale put it, “We become what we think about.” Complaining creates in our lives more of what we complain about. When we start thinking more about what we want, we’ll get more of what we want.

Why do we complain? We do it to get sympathy, to avoid something we don’t want to do, to demonstrate our sophistication, or even as a way of bragging.

Bowen gives several reasons to quit complaining. One is health. He cites a study that indicates complaining makes us sick; as much as two-thirds of illness is psychological in origin. In addition, complaining about others (criticism) is rarely works to change them; people respond to appreciation. Even great social movements that started in deep dissatisfaction moved forward by showing a positive vision of the world as it could be.

I visited the web site established for the movement, AComplaintFreeWorld.org. It looks like they no longer give out free purple bracelets, but you can order them or get a free widget.

The notion of becoming what you think is in line with Bowens faith. This is a teaching of Unity, a religion founded in Kansas City. (Incidentally, I used to work in Lee’s Summit a short distance from the organization’s headquarters in Unity Village.) Though Unity expresses esteem for the Bible and Jesus Christ, it’s teachings about the nature of God, the Bible, Jesus, the notion of Christ, and the relationship of man and God is very different from traditional Christianity.

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

Acres of Diamonds by Russel H. Conwell

The 4:8 Principle by Tommy Newberry

Gratitude by Melody Beattie

Help, Thanks, Wow by Anne Lamott

I Declare by Joel Osteen

Just Say Thanks! by R. T. Kendall

Life's Not Fair, but God is Good by Robert H. Schuller

Make Miracles in Forty Days by Melody Beattie

Positive Imaging by Norman Vincent Peale

Power in Praise by Merlin R. Carothers

The Secret by Rhonda Byrne

The Secret of the Ages by Robert Collier

Secrets of the Millionaire Mind by T. Harv Eker

The Success Principles by Jack Canfield with Janet Switzer

Thanks! by Robert A. Emmons

365 Thank Yous by John Kralik

Write It Down, Make It Happen by Henriette Anne Klaus

You Can if You Think You Can by Norman Vincent Peale

Bowen, Will. A Complaint Free World: How to Stop Complaining and Start Enjoying the Life You Always Wanted. New York: Doubleday, 2007.

Complaint Free Relationships by Will Bowen

Complaint Free Relationships is a follow-up to Will Bowen’s previous book, A Complaint Free World. The fundamental premise of the first book carries over to the second. Our thoughts create our lives. Our words are indicators of our thoughts. When we become aware of complaining, and the negative thinking it represents, we can choose to think more positively and gain happier results.

Bowen notes that one of the most common things people complain about is relationships. He focuses on the “relate” in relationship. To a great extent our relationships are the stories we tell ourselves about other people. When we complain about someone, aloud or in our minds, we are telling ourselves a story about that person’s behaviors of features that we dislike, and usually ascribe to them negative motivations and traits.

In addition, Bowen says people can pick up the negativity of our internal stories and will generally respond in kind. If you expect the worst of people, you’ll usually get it, and they’ll have a negative view of you, too.

You can reverse this by telling yourself a different story. Have compassion. Don’t leap to conclusions about someone’s motives or personality. Tell yourself a story that is compassionate, understanding, and positive. People will sense this as well, and will respond positively.

Of course, we can’t always change are minds with the snap of a finger. In some cases we must deal with truly difficult people. Sometime we are troubled by ingrained problems of our own.

Bowen offers advice for dealing with these tougher cases. We can understand our own, or others, motivations to complain and deal with them. We can take responsibility to see that our needs are met instead of complaining about our frustrations. Instead of venting our anger (it only makes us angrier), we can undertake to process our emotions. Many of these techniques can be adapted to improving the relationship we have without ourselves, which affects all our relationships.

Complaining is particularly damaging to relationships. Research sited by Bowen demonstrates that complaining is a major cause of the failure of relationships. You don’t have to live with bad relationships or watch them fall apart. If you’re willing to change your perspective and take on the challenges of personal growth, you can see you relationships improve, and even become sources of fun and joy.

Will Bowen also wrote A Complaint Free World. If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs

Mindset by Carol S. Dweck

The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale

The Solution by Lucinda Bassett

Stop Whining, Start Living by Dr. Laura

Bowen, Will. Complaint Free Relationships: How to Positively Transform Your Personal, and Love Relationships. New York: Doubleday, 2009.

Deal with It! by Paula White

White, Paula. Deal with It! Nashville: Thomas Nelson.

When Paula White says Deal with It! she doesn’t mean “suck it up.” In this book, she urges readers, particularly women, to acknowledge and confront their problems, that is, really deal with it. Fortunately, believers are not left to their own devices to overcome problems. God is ready and able to help His own.

Each chapter is built around a woman from the Bible and White’s view of her central problems. Some are well known names like Ruth, Esther, and Mary Magdalene . Some are not as well known: the Shunammite who welcomed Elisha into her home and Zelophehad’s daughters.



As much as things have changed over thousands of years, people are still people, and the problems these women faced have parallels today. Through God’s help, the women in White’s example overcame bad histories, weak men, lifestyle changes, excessive demands, deep hurt, competition, poor reputations, disappointments, injustices, and overwhelming expectations.

God came through for these women. Of course, as with us, God did not always choose to act immediately or in the ways they might have wanted. However, they trusted Him and persevered faithfully. God will come through, but it is important how we think and act in the meantime. We are called to do what is right, obey proper authority, stand up for justice, and hold onto faith in God all the time, especially in tough times.

White’s style is much like speech. Since she is mainly a speaker and preacher, you might expect it. In some ways, the book reads like a collection of sermons, though the chapters are tightly linked by a central theme.

As in her preaching and other books, White draws on her personal experience. She presents herself as having been a messed up young woman who made many bad decisions, had a head full of bad ideas, and beset with hang-ups. If you’d lived her life, maybe you’d have fallen into the same errors. She’s not complaining, though. She uses these examples to show how God has turned things around for her, just as he did for the Biblical women she writes about.

That is the central issue of the book. Things don’t have to remain as they are. God has the power to change them. However, we must face our problems and deal with them. We can’t let ourselves be derailed by time or difficulties, but trusting and obeying God we can see our lives renewed into something even better than we might have imagined.

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in
Acts
The Emotional Energy Factor by Mira Kirshenbaum
Genesis
The Gospel of John
The Joy of Supernatural Thinking by Bill Bright
Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs

Stop Whining, Start Living by Dr. Laura

Schlessinger, Laura.  Stop Whining, Start Living.  New York: HarperCollins, 2008.

We make ourselves crazy.  We can stop doing it.  That is the message Laura Schlessinger, popularly known as Dr. Laura, present in her book Stop Whining, Start Living.

So much of how we make ourselves miserable is how we look at things.  Life is difficult, for some people more than others.  If we focus on difficulties, problems, and situations we don’t like, we’ll feel the weight of them.  If instead we focus on the things in life we enjoy, that encourage us, and the people we love and who love use, we’ll feel the lightness of it.  Perspective doesn’t make problems go away, but a good point of view can keep us from ignoring the good things in our lives.

Relating to this is the need for action.  Our complaints don’t change the situations we complain about.  Action, especially acts that help others, make the world better and help us feel better.  As Schlessinger puts it, “ultimate meaning fullness in our lives comes from fulfilling our obligations to others.”

Stop Whining, Start Living presents variations on these two themes, focusing on different areas of life, especially relationships.  She devotes a chapter to marriage.  Even here, a happy marriage is largely a matter of looking at the things you love about your spouse and not accentuating the negative.  Act lovingly toward your spouse.

As the title “doctor” implies, Schlessinger has academic training and is licensed in marriage and family therapy.  Her book is not academic or professional in tone.  She is conversational.

Schlessinger draws many examples from communication she had with listeners of her radio program.  Sometimes she refers to difficult and emotionally charged situations.  These examples make her advice more powerful and approachable.

On that radio program, Schlessinger developed a reputation for being confrontational.  It comes through in this book, too.  I don’t think this comes from meanness.  She’s out to expose the thinking that underlays complaining and present an alternative.  Even in the nicest exchange, that is a little confrontational.

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

The 4:8 Principle by Tommy Newberry

It’s Not About Me by Max Lucado

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Choosing Civility by P. M. Forni

In a previous job, I worked in the field of industrial safety.  This is partly a matter of regulation, so there was often great concern about the rules. Though it was necessary to follow the rules, I also wanted to people to think. If they were going to be safe in reality, they needed to be aware, use their imagination, solve problems and ask for help.

I found a parallel to this in P. M. Forni’s approach to civility. As he put it in Choosing Civility, “Consideration is imagination in a moral track.”

In the early chapters Forni considers the notion of civility and how it relates to courtesy, politeness and manners. He wrote, “Being civil means being constantly aware of others and weaving restraint, respect and consideration into the fabric of this awareness. Civility is a form of goodness; it is gracious goodness.” Civility is the art of living well with others.

The second part of the book includes brief chapters on the rules of civility. In some cases, Forni prescribes some behavior, but in mostly this is an exploration of how awareness, respect and consideration of others can practiced in various ways.

I think a few of these worth highlighting. The first of Forni’s rules is to be attentive. Your attention is one of the most important and valuable things you can give to someone. Paying attention to others is the starting point of showing respect and acting in kindness.

Related to attention is listening. Careful listening is a skill. When practiced well, it can build understanding and rapport between people. It requires focus, generosity, responsiveness, restraint and cooperation.

I think Forni’s admonition to avoid complaining is especially worthy. We have legitimate concerns that we should speak up about, but often complaints are just a way to drag people into a negative outlook or some minor problem that is not theirs.

“’Nice’ is something that must be built, something that doesn’t simply happen or come to us out of the blue but instead requires work," P. M. Forni, Choosing Civility

P. M. Forni also wrote The Thinking Life.

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

A Complaint Free World by Will Bowen

The Power of Nice by Linda Kaplan Thaler & Robin Koval

The Last Self-Help Book You'll Ever Need by Paul Pearsall

The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck

Forni, P. M. Choosing Civility: The Twenty-Five Rules of Considerate Conduct. New York: St. Martin’s Griffin, 2002.

Power in Praise by Merlin R. Carothers

Carothers, Merlin R. Power in Praise. Escondido, CA: Merlin R. Carothers, 1972.

I bought a copy of Power in Praise by Merlin R. Carothers at a library book sale. It sat on my shelf for months. I have more appetite for books than time. I was surprised to find it listed in bibliography of Melody Beattie’s last self-help book, Make Miracles in Forty Days. Because reviewing books is inherently about comparing and contrasting books, I made reading Power in Praise a priority.

At a very basic level, Beattie and Carothers have a similar message. Be grateful for everything. Carothers would say praise God in everything.

Our thanks and praise, especially for those things we for which we don’t necessarily feel grateful, brings about in us a peace, contentment, and new perspective on our situation. It often leads to a change in our circumstances, too.

The two authors differ on their view of how this works. For Beattie, it is a universal law. It works because that is the nature of the universe. You can blend it with whatever religion you like or none. Expressing thanks for the hard things will change your life regardless of your religion.

Carothers, in contrast, sees God as the author of our lives. He is in control of all. The hardships, pain, setbacks, and everything else in our life is under His control.

We can praise God even in the worst situations because we trust Him. God loves us and had a good plan for our life. If He permits difficulties, it is because it will produce good. First is the good of coming to God and acknowledging Jesus Christ as our savior. After that comes the producing of a godly character and preparation for work that shows God’s power, love and grace.



Power in Praise is, in part, a book of stories about people who have put Carothers’ principle to the test. Some of these come from the Bible, especially from Paul, who suffered all manner of calamities, but remained contented, peaceful, and even joyful, because He trusted God in all things. Many of the cases come form his experience as an Army chaplain.

As you might expect, people were reluctant to praise God for disease, accidents, failures and other troubles. Some were willing to try even if they didn’t feel it; Carothers writes that it is a matter of faith and not feeling or understanding. Those that tried discovered a transformation in themselves. For Carothers, this is the main thing. To know God and be closer to Him, trusting Him more, is the best thing. In many cases, these people saw quick changes in their circumstances, too.

Carothers also deals with the flipside of praise and thanksgiving with a chapter on grumbling and complaining. He says that to complain is to make accusations against God. It is an expression of distrust. Arguably, mankind’s fall into sin came from distrusting God and it has caused us a lot of trouble sense. The better stand, the position of power, is to trust God in everything, believing that He has a good plan even when bad things happen.

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in
365 Thank Yous by John Kralik
Gratitude by Melody Beattie
Into the Depths of God by Calvin Miller
Make Miracles in Forty Days by Melody Beattie
Thanks! by Robert A. Emmons

Google

Positive Words, Powerful Results by Hal Urban

Educator Hal Urban reminds his readers of the power of words in Positive Words, Powerful Results. Words create pictures in our minds. They influence our buying decisions and health. One of the most important things about words is that we can chose how to use them, whether to build up or to tear down.

Urban encourages people to use words to build up. Use kind, affirming, complimentary words. Tell people what they are doing right. Express interest in people and ask them about themselves.

In addition to influencing others, words can reveal what is going on inside of us. Our choice of words reveals whether our thoughts and feelings are positive or negative. As Jesus put it, “A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings for that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings for that which is evil; for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45).

If we want to produce positive words that help people, we need to be concerned about what goes into that treasure of our hearts. There is a lot of trash out there and if we don’t limit our exposure, we can easily become full of it. There is also plenty of good and we can seek it out. Just as we choose what we say, we can also choose much of what we hear.

Though it is couched in a discussion of the words we use, Urban is engaging a larger issue of how we treat each other. He encourages kindness, gentleness and generosity. These virtues may demand more than words, but they still demand expression in speech; they cannot be advanced by harshness and complaining.

Urban’s background as a teacher comes through both in the examples he draws on and the way he writes. The book is not written for children, but I think it is within the grasp of high school students and possibly younger children, particularly if an adult were going through the book with them.

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

A Complaint Free World by Will Bowen

The 4:8 Principle by Tommy Newberry

The Power of Nice by Linda Kaplan Thaler & Robin Koval

The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale

Urban, Hal. Positive Words, Powerful Results: Simple Ways to Honor, Affirm, and Celebrate Life. New York: Fireside, 2004.