The Introvert's Way by Sophia Dembling

Blogger Sophia Dembling writes about her life as an introvert. This subject carries over into her book The Introvert’s Way.

Dembling tries to sort out what introversion is. It is not simply the opposite of extroversion, nor is it shyness. It is not antisocial or pathological. Introversion and extroversion are different ways in which the brains of people operate. There is much that is positive in the introverted way, even if western—and particularly American—culture has a preference for traits associated with extroverts.

Admittedly, introverts can come across as aloof, timid, or too intense. Dembling describes how introverts are simply responding to the world in ways that suit our (yes, I’m an introvert) sensitivity to stimuli, energy, and way of thinking. When we withdraw, we’re simply tired or overstimulated, not angry or shy. We can seem intense because we like making deeper connections and we are passionate about our interests. Dembling suggest that introverts can combat misperceptions by first accepting themselves as they are and then gently explaining it to others.

Another thing that introverts tend to do that can drive extrovert up the wall is we think and act slowly. My longsuffering wife has learned to give me plenty of advanced notice when an important decision is needed from me or us as a couple. This may be why introverts shine in e-mail, texting, and social media (some of us old-timers still write letters on occasion). The media allow us to think and respond at our own pace.

Dembling also addresses the misconception that introverts don’t have fun. We do. Sometimes we even have fun at parties or social gatherings, especially with a small group of close friends or family. Introverts generally like quiet, slow-paced activities. Extroverts probably look at us and think we’re not doing anything.

Each chapter is written as a short essay. In addition to dealing with the issues already mentioned, Dembling writes about how she and other introverts deal with things we tend to hate, like parties and small talk. She takes a middle ground somewhere between don’t be bullied by (well-meaning) extorverts and suck it up because these things are part of life. To have the peaceful life introverts want along with the social life they want (and they do want one), they have to strike a balance, and Dembling suggests some ways that balance can be made.

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron

Quiet by Susan Cain

Dembling, Sophia. The Introvert’s Way: Living a Quiet Life in a Noisy World. New York: Perigee, 2012.

The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron

At the end of sixth grade, my English teacher, Mrs. Lumsden, gave out “unusual awards.”  I was awarded “Best Observer.”    It is one of the signs that I am a highly sensitive person, and it is one of the happier memories related to my trait.

Research psychologist Elaine N. Aron describes highly sensitive people, or HSPs, in her book The Highly Sensitive Person.  HSPs, which make up about 15 to 20 percent of the population, are people with more responsive nervous system, who notice smaller stimuli and react more strongly to stimuli.

Aron is careful to distinguish the physiological trait of high sensitivity from inhibition, introversion, and shyness.  Okay, HSPs are often, or appear to be, introverted and shy.  Aron reframes HSP behavior as a response to overstimulation.  Everyone has an optimal level of arousal, and because HSPs are aroused more by smaller stimuli, which are abundant and can even include our own emotional responses to experiences, they are more easily aroused more than is optimum for them.  Everyone withdraws (is shy) when faced with too much arousal, and everyone needs time to quietly process (introversion).

Let me give you an example from my own life.  When I was a young child, I was very emotional.  I was easily overwhelmed, to the point of losing self-control, by my own emotions and the experiences that triggered them.  When I was in fifth grade, I found a model for managing it: Mr. Spock of Star Trek.  He was person (or Vulcan or half-Vulcan) with intense emotions that used various practices of logical thinking, meditation, art and study to discipline himself and control his own behavior.  Yes, at that age it meant repressing my emotions and withdrawing from others to some degree.  I gained a sense of self-control and space to think.  It was a little patch of high ground above the flood.  As a kid on the verge of puberty, it was precious to me.

That challenge hasn’t diminished as an adult.  How can I enjoy the sensory and emotional richness I can experience without being carried away by it?  How can I take notice of the little things that make me pause without getting jumpy?  How can I pursue the challenging and meaningful work that attracts me without being exhausted by distractions and the social demands organizations?  These are questions all HSPs must answer.

Aron doesn’t always give a simple answer, but she does show readers how to find the answers for themselves.  Relationships and work present all manner of highly arousing situations that can drain an HSP.  Aron provides information on how to approach these challenges in ways that acknowledge your trait of high sensitivity, with its weakness and the many strengths that can be brought to bear on the problem.

These problems can be exacerbated for HSPs who had rough childhoods, which is all too common.  (I’m fortunate that I had accepting and tolerant parents.  I suspect there are several HSPs scattered in my extended family, which fits with high sensitivity generally being inherited.)  Therapy can be very helpful for HSPs who need to deal with these issues.  Aron provides recommendations on what kind of therapies may be most useful to HSPs.

I suspect most of the readers of this book will be HSPs.  If you’re not an HSP, you probably know one.  If you think your spouse, close friend, or employee is an HSP, it may be worthwhile to read this book.  HSPs have a lot of strengths they would happily bring to your relationship or business if they are given the opportunity and a little quiet space in which to thrive.

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

Quiet by Susan Cain

Aron, Elaine N.  The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You.  1996.  New York: Broadway, 1998.

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The Ghost Map by Steven Johnson

Johnson, Steven. The Ghost Map: The Story of London’s Most Terrifying Epidemic—and How It Changed Science, Cities, and the Modern World. New York: Riverhead Books, 2006.

Steven Johnson presents the London cholera epidemic of 1854, and the work of Dr. John Snow and Rev. Henry Whitehead to link cholera to a water source, as multiple conflicts. It is a conflict between two species, Vibrio cholerae and Homo sapiens. It is a conflict of ideas between tradition and evidence. It is also a conflict between the problems arising from the high density living of cities and the human capacity to solve those problems.

In the first case, a colony of V. cholerae arguably won the bout in 1854. The outbreak was one of the most intense in London’s history, especially considering how rapidly it spread and killed. That it ended when it did may be due as much to happenstance and desperation to act as to a winning argument from evidence. In the immediate wake of the outbreak, the view that cholera was a waterborne illness was not widely accepted.

In the second case, the reasoned case from evidence eventually won over tradition. This led to a victory over cholera in London also. Though cholera is still a problem in parts of the world, the answers implemented in London (better sanitation and clean drinking water) will work anywhere.

Johnson is not too hard on the opponents of Snow. It was widely accepted that disease was caused by miasma, or bad air. It was hard for even intelligent people of the time to accept that disease could be caused by something that could not be detected by the senses (though an Italian scientist had viewed V. cholera under the microscope, it was not widely known). In fact, Snow hadn’t found the cause of cholera, only how it was transmitted.

In the last case, Johnson happily reports that human innovation has triumphed over the problems of cities so far. In many ways, cities are very advantages ways for people to live.

The last chapter launches from Snow’s study of the cholera epidemic, and the map he used to illustrate his findings, to how smarter maps and other innovations are creating a bright future for cities. Snow, Whitehead and science eventually are victorious in the aftermath of the 1854 epidemic, but it is cities that are the big winners.

Johnson brings up a number of vulnerabilities of cities in the next several decades. He is confident that the ingenuity show by the likes of Snow and Whitehead, and modern technology they couldn’t imagine, will overcome most of these problems. Even the problems that can’t be overcome don’t seem to be enough to end the urbanizing trend around the globe.

Order this book here.

Rapt by Winifred Gallagher

Our brains can’t process all the stimuli to which we are exposed.  It selects to be more strongly aware of some stimuli that seem important and to suppresses awareness of others. It is like a spotlight that illuminates every detail of an actor and the scenery immediately next to him, but leaves the rest of the stage in twilight or even completed darkness. This process is attention.

Our experience of life is what we pay attention to. This is the thesis of Winifred Gallagher’s book Rapt. We may not always be happy, be can nearly always be focused and choose to pay attention to what brings us peace, joy, and a sense of meaning in the moment.

We have two types of attention. Gallagher calls the first “bottom up” attention. This is the our instinctive attention to things in our environment that are novel, potentially dangerous, or a potential opportunity.

Top down attention is intentional focus on what we choose. Our intentional focus can be very powerful, drilling into our target while leaving us unaware of things that might otherwise seem obvious. Gallagher recounts a humorous experiment in which subjects were asked to watch for a certain activity on a video. The subjects completely missed a man in a gorilla suit dancing around in the video because their top down attention was so intensely trained on the task they were instructed to pursue.

In the same manner that attention raises or lowers awareness of physical stimuli, it adjusts awareness of our own thoughts and feelings. Bottom up attention tends to focus on the most and least pleasant feelings, our highs and lows. Our top down attention can focus on any thought of feeling we want.

In turn, our thoughts and feelings affect our attention. When we are negative, our focus narrows to take in just a little. Feeling bad make our problem seem like the only thing in the world. Positive thoughts and feeling expands our attention, allowing us to take in more information. It switches us to mental broadband that allows us to be aware of more of our world both inside and out.

Attention is important to every aspect of life. Relationships are inherently paying attention to others. Intimacy in relationships is built on building common, positive experiences from paying attention to the same thing and to each other. Success requires intense, long-term attention to our goals. Fulfillment arises from taking on just-manageable challenges that hold our attention. Creativity involves a calm mindfulness that does not so much capture an idea as allow it to unfold in our awareness. Motivation comes from sorting out the competing voices in our mind and listening to the ones that advocate for our goals.

Our attentional style is shaped both by our genes and our culture. A significant part of what and how we pay attention is learned. Because of this, we can learn new ways of attending and direct our focus in new directions. If we learn to pay attention to positive emotions and opportunities for positive action, we can change our experience of life to have more peace, joy, and fulfillment.

If you’re interested in this book, you may also be interested in

Change Your Brain Change Your Body by Daniel G. Amen

The Genius in All of Us by David Shenk

Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs

The Mindful Way through Depression by Mark Williams et al

Moonwalking with Einstein by Joshua Foer

The Procrastination Equation by Piers Steel

Quiet by Susan Cain

Succeed by Heidi Grant Halvorson

The Thinking Life by P. M. Forni

Gallagher, Winifred. Rapt: Attention and the Focused Life. New York: Penguin, 2009.

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